M.I.A.

Hello everyone!!! Sorry I have been M.I.A. lately. Things have been extremely busy. And quite honestly recovery has not  been first priority at all...therefore blogging has totally been set on the back burner. Definitly not a good thing as I'm having my worst relapse since beginning treatment. Letting old Ed behaviors creep back in and even finding myself doing new things that I never would have done while I was at the very worst of my ED. Something has got to change...just not quite sure what kind of push I need to get myself trying again.

Lots of changes coming soon...maybe the reason for the extra anxiety and possibly using ED as a coping mechanism?....

Hope all is well with everyone reading! Would LOVE to hear any tips, updates, and randomness from you! :)

If summer ever decides to make itself known here I have some really fun plans! What do you have planned for the summer?

How do you get out of a funk, push on when you feel like giving up?
xo

Avoidance Behavior...Triggering?

When looking for a definition you will find:

Avoidance Behavior
Part of speech: n
Definition: a pervasive pattern of avoiding or withdrawing from social interaction; a defense mechanism by which a person removes himself/herself from unpleasant situations.
Example: Teri fills up all of her free time with busy work and other tasks so she doesn't have to focus on goals she should be working towards, and tasks that have been assigned.

Yesiree bob, this describes me to a T lately. I have been avoiding anything having to do with my ed, this blog included, books I'm supposed to be reading, my journal...haven't touched it in weeks, small goals  Sarah and I have set for the week, you name it and I'm probably avoiding it. It's almost like I've convinced myself that if I avoid all of these things I can pretend like I'm fine and there's nothing wrong, my ed is not an issue. Oh the lies we can tell ourselves...

I keep telling myself I'm too busy, which things are pretty hectic, but if I do have a free minute I find something to busy myself with so I won't have time to get to the tasks. Then I don't have to feel guilty for not accomplishing anything that I should be. Which doesn't last long because the guilt sets in once I realize that I'm fitting in 2 1/2+ hour workouts everyday, plus two extra hour long workouts on top of that this week, but I can't find time to put the work into something that I know is so important for my recovery right now.

Sarah says I'm on the fence about recovery. Part of me wants nothing more than to get past this, but the other part of me is so afraid to let go. Will I be happy without Ed? I'd like to believe so, but right now  everything is black or white and I can't see how I can have a healthy relationship with food and still be happy. To me food still = FAT. Ughhh...so frustrating.

Right now I'm sitting here with and index card in my lap. Written on it are the goals Sarah and I came up with last Friday. Now it's the day before I see her again and I haven't really put much of an effort in  to reaching them. They were simple too...

1. Write down the reoccurring Ed thoughts/Negative thoughts (haven't even started)
2. Do a stretching/yoga video twice in the next week (only did it once...a hard sweaty workout seemed more important)
3. Time for self-engage self in some activity that is enjoyable to you (I told myself that my workouts were  my time for self...although I know I'm just fooling myself since they aren't enjoyable anymore, they're just about burning calories.)

There's no reason I shouldn't have been able to accomplish these three easy things.

I see my physician tomorrow too, which I'm really nervous about. I know they are going to weigh me and I wasn't comfortable with my weight at my very lowest...now that I've gained a little (I think? still haven't stepped on a scale) I'm even more shameful about it and don't want anyone to know how "high" it is.

Today at work we had a going away party for a coworker and I allowed myself to eat...which always leads to destructive behaviors, so I'm feeling pretty blah tonight. Anxious to talk through it with Sarah tomorrow.

Spring Break starts tomorrow after  work! Hoping to have some down time the next week. Planning to snowboard a couple of days, so there's something to look forward to!

What do you say back to yourself when you have negative thoughts? Do you have certain things that you avoid?

Now YOU know MY ABC's...

Hey everyone! How are you all doing?

Things have been sooo insanely busy here the past few weeks. I have had zero time to read all of my fav blogs let alone work on a new post for mine! Sorry to those of you that have been reading! I'm really going to try and be more consistent.

In the last few weeks I have received a few emails from others who are dealing with a lot of the same issues as me. It totally bums me out to know that others are dealing with this too. As strange and hypocritical as it sounds it's okay for me to struggle with this, but no one else should have to....it's okay for me not to see my own beauty, but I think it's so important for others to recognize theirs. There are many days where I feel like giving up, but getting emails like these keep me focused on my goal and are so encouraging. I feel if I can do it maybe I can somehow help them get through it too! So please keep them coming! I know sometimes I'm slow to reply, but I will!!! :)

So things here are going pretty much the same. I am slowly increasing my food intake, but still am not able to actually sit down to an actual meal. I'm trying to eat a few bites of things here and there throughout the day. Which is a HUGE improvement considering where I began. The struggle with the weight I'm gaining is something I'm trying to deal w/one day at a time. Some  days I realize that it's needed in order for me to recover and other days I'm questioning whether or not recovery is worth giving up my "safety blanket" which has been ED.

I'm feeling easily frustrated with my progress, because I think things are moving so slow, but Sarah keeps assuring me that I'm doing great and that sometimes it takes years to get to the point I have in several months. Even though I'm only taking baby steps they are still a step in the right direction.

So I've read a few ABC's of Me on other blogs recently and figured it would be a perfect time for me to do it too...since I've been too lazy to ever compose an about me section. So here is a tiny peek at me. :)

A.   Age: 27

B.    Bed size: Queen....really need to invest in and make room for a King

C.   Chore you hate: Bathrooms & unloading the dishwasher

D.   Dogs: I'm a total Dog person! I have two...a Lab that I adopted (Guy) and a Beagle (Tucker).

 (Aren't they precious??? Aww, they love each other!)

E.  Essential start to your day: I'm a morning person, but brushing my teeth is always 1st thing!

F.  Favorite color: Blue

G.  Gold or silver: Definitely Silver...I've never been a big fan of gold

H.  Height: 5’7”  not a shorty like the rest of my fam...pretty funny though because I used to be super short!

I.   Instruments you play: None, unfortunately. I can mess around on a few things and play by ear...but nothing good. I want to learn piano and guitar!!!

J.   Job title: TI reading Aide-ESL/ELL Parent Involvement Program Director

K.  Kids: I'm surrounded by them all day everyday

L.  Live: in WY...but really belong in HI :)

(Hawaii- June 2010)

M. Mom’s name: Angie

(My AMAZING Dad and BEAUTIFUL Mom)

N.  Nicknames: Ter, Terio, Ter Bear (hate this one), Buffy,
OA, RickyTickyTeriNoSombrarieLadiDadiDa-peh (long story) haha 

O.  Overnight hospital stays: A few...the most recent after surgery this past summer

P.  Pet peeve: Sooo many! Bad manners are huge though! Also, people who take themselves too seriously, or are quick to judge and  stereotype others.

Q.  Quote from a movie: "Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life."

R.  Righty or Lefty: Righty.

S.   Siblings: April, Eric, Paul, Lisa...I'm the baby

(1983-Just missing my sis April)

T.   Time you wake up: 5-5:30

U.   Underwear: We call them chonies around here...haha

V.    Vegetables you dislike: Hmmm I'm not sure if I dislike any...maybe okra, cooked tomatoes and onions, does sauerkraut count?

W.   What makes you run late: Stupid snowy/slick roads

X.    X-rays you’ve had: A few...the most memorable was on my legs.

Y.    Yummy food you make: All the food I make is YUMMY! My kitchen is where I feel most at home! (weird for someone w/ED right...though I've been told it's really common.)

(Definitely one of my top 5 gifts ever...now I find excuses to be in my kitchen just so I can use it!)

Z.     Zoo animal favorite: I LOVE the zoo...even though I think it's sad seeing the animals all locked up. My favs are the BIG animals...Elephants, Rhinos, Tigers,etc.

Okay time to hear from you! Choose a few letters and teach me a little about you in the comments section!

You Can Never Cross The Ocean Unless You Have Courage To Lose Sight Of The Shore...

The title for today's blog is a quote by Christopher Columbus....pretty wise dude. :)

                                          He and I totally have something in common... =D


I believe the same goes for ED recovery. Lately I am totally lacking in the courage department. So I'm just looking out at the ocean and occasionally dipping my toes in before quickly pulling them back out. Who knows how long it will be before I find the audacity to try to push myself to completely take the plunge and free myself from Ed.

Honestly trying to recover is HARD!...and quite frankly sucks right now. I'm sure once I'm recovered for awhile it will have been the greatest choice I could have made. Yet, lately I can't help but wonder if this is all really worth it. Of course TERI knows it is, but unfortunately Ed is still stronger and more dominant.

I'm still working on trying to eat more, w/o much luck, and increase fluids...so things are moving very slowly. I find that I'd rather have a tiny bit of something that's not good for me than the right amount of what my body needs. Sarah says this is because of my body being in starvation mode...it wants fuel and it wants it fast, so that's why I want sugar. I know she's right, it makes total sense, but Ed says I want sugar because I'm fat and weak. If I were skinny enough I wouldn't ever crave things that weren't good for me. As ridiculous as that sounds I can't totally dismiss him and the thoughts like these that are constantly running through my head.

I've also upped my workouts again which is a big no-no, but am feeling miserable about the weight that I know I've gained (Still haven't stepped on a scale since beginning recovery, but can feel and see it.) Soooo....Ed's somehow got me convinced that by increasing my gym time I'm making up for failing myself and gaining weight. While I'm more concerned about feeling like a failure for not listening to Sarah about cutting back on exercise and not even attempting to follow my meal plan Ed still wins and the workouts continue to get longer and longer again. Something we'll have to address on Friday when I see her again.

On a happier note I went away last weekend and went snowboarding!!!! Had an AWESOME time and have determined that I totally need more practice getting off the lift. Fall on my ass every time! How is it that I can make it down the mountain just fine, but the lift totally kicks my ass? haha Sarah teaches snowboarding and told me how it helped her recover from her ED and that it's a great way to get your mind off everything. She couldn't have been more right. I've snowboarded before, but never thought of it that way. I also never thought of it as being a good workout...even while I was up on the mountain I was telling myself that I should have figured out how to fit in a workout that morning. I was wrong though...my arms and thighs are still sore and it's been 4 days!...oh yea, my bum is sore from all the falling too.

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week. The theme this year is "It's Time to Talk About It", which I am doing here. They are encouraging everyone to do just one thing think of how many people can be reached if we all follow their lead and do something!

Melissa from Melissa Nibbles (one of my fav blogs!!!) wrote a great post this week about NEDAW. It's definitely a must read! She describes perfectly some of the things she's dealt with, and I currently am, on a day to day basis.

Fun weekend planned here...then off to Vegas next week!

What are you all doing this weekend? Will you do one thing to honor NEDAW?..if so what?



Ed Has Been With Me For A Lot Longer Than I Thought...+ Valentine's Day.

Hi everyone! Happy Valentine's Weekend!!!! Hope you are spending it with your sweetheart...or if you're not a fan of the holiday, like me, you're using it as a guilt free excuse to stuff yourself with sweethearts, chocolate, wine, and watch sappy chick flicks!

So...did I stuff myself with Valentine's candy??? No, but it's definitely a goal of mine! =) I WILL GET THERE!!! I did watch a few chick flicks over the weekend though! Fools Rush In...one of my very favorite movies and Revenge of the Bridesmaids...mad corny, but had me giggling here and there. If I'm lucky I may have time to fit one more in before the weekend is over, or at least catch the Kardashians! They're addictive!!!

As for an update on me I'm still just "treading water" not making any growth and some days I fall completely back into old habits, but I'm coming to realize that this is going to be a very long journey and as long as I continue to try to recover I will get there eventually.

After talking with Sarah at my appointment on Friday I realized that Ed has been part of my life for much, much longer than I was aware. She helped me realize that when I was only 8 yrs old, and my family had just moved, the voice telling me "The other kids would accept you if you weren't so fat.", or "If you eat that birthday cake you're just going to get bigger than you already are...don't do it." etc. was Ed. I remember having thoughts like these all the time...Ed was always there.

As I got older it only got worse. I remember at cheerleading camp my sophmore year of high school I didn't like the way one of our camp uniforms looked on me. So, I starved myself to fit into it just right....and even then I didn't eat breakfast or lunch throughout the entire camp and wore my shirt differently than everyone else because I didn't want them to see "How huge I was!" Even though we were physically active the entire time it wasn't enough for me to allow myself to eat. Once camp was over I'd end up binging...then feel even worse than I did when I was not eating at all.

Things were always black or white, there's never been a middle ground for me. Don't eat at all, or eat too much. Both came with extreme guilt.

In High school I'd never eat breakfast and very, very rarely would allow myself to eat lunch. Dinner was eaten only if I had time. Even then if I didn't end up eating too much I would feel terrible for allowing myself to have eaten at all. Ed was there making it known that if I wasn't so weak I would be able to have control and wouldn't have eaten at all.

I never remember feeling good about eating, but loved the feeling I'd get when I'd go a certain amount of time without eating. I'd feel like I'd accomplished something worthwhile. And so the cycle began...just getting more and more drastic as time went on. I just thought it was normal...everyone goes through this and has these thoughts right?

Ed wasn't front and center all the time, but he's definitely always been there at least whispering and influencing my relationship with food and the way I feel about my body.

I'm really working on trying to determine when Ed is talking and when Teri is talking. Sometimes...most of the time...I can't distinguish who's voice it is yet, but with Sarah's help I'm slowly learning to be more aware.

So since I'm not making any progress with my meal plan and nutrition at the mo Sarah decided that for now she's just going to really focus on the therapy portion of recovery and that once Molly (my other nutritionist) is back she'll get to work on the nutrition part. Hopefully with less pressure (by myself, not my team) to follow the meal plan the next few weeks I'll be able to get to the root of some things and take a few steps forward.

While setting goals for this week Sarah asked what I wanted to work on. My reply was "Not to drown...just to keep treading water and have the log to grab onto until I'm ready to push away a little more." So for this week that's all I intend to do...keep fighting, but not to push myself too hard or fast. That will only set me up for failure and make me feel worse than I already do.

There's so many feelings I'm experiencing all at once. Sometimes I'm still feeling completely overwhelmed and just shut down so I don't have to feel anything. I feel like I'm being pulled in two separate directions. One part of me really wants to get better and thinks that even though I'm going very slow it's still progress and that I should be proud of that. While another part of me says that I'm not moving fast enough and that if I really wanted to get better I would be making a lot more effort to follow the meal plan, exercise less, etc.

I wish I could just flip a switch and shut this all off. As great as that would be I know this journey, as hard as it may be, is going to make me a much stronger and better person in the long run.

Hope you all have a great Vday tomorrow...I will be spending my entire day/night working! Yipppeee...VERY ROMANTIC! haha

How was your weekend? What are your favorite chick flicks/Valentine candy?

I came across this and it made me laugh so I had to share!!!

DID YOU KNOW...VALENTINE'S DAY EDITION

*Did you know that Valentine's day is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending cards, presenting flowers, or apologizing for failing to do these things?

*Did you know that St. Valentine came up with Valentine's Day cause he was tryin' to do some chick?

*Did you know that around 3% of pet owners prefer to give Valentine gifts to their pets because that's all they have?

*Did you know Cupid's arrows are meant to symbolize the magical feeling of being pierced by love, and Cupid's diaper represents getting crapped on in relationships?

*Did you know giving your sweetheart the a "key to your heart" on Valentine's Day is a good way to tell them they're only worth about three dollars?

*Did you know you can't redeem love coupons at CVS?

*Did you know in Victorian times it was considered bad luck to sign a Valentine's Day card so people just yelled out their names?

*Did you know on February 14, 1779, Captain James Cook was murdered by natives of Hawaii during his third visit to the Pacific island group?

*Did you know that last fact wasn't very romantic at all?

*Did you know that teachers enjoy receiving the most cards of any profession on Valentine's day, whereas pit fighters, whale hunters, and necromancers receive the least?

YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THIS VALENTINE'S KNOWLEDGE I'VE GIVEN YOU!!! My gift to you! haha

*btw sorry my posts are so long. I always think I have nothing to say and then once I get started I just keep going and going like the energizer bunny! ;)