The Path Unknown...

The Path Unknown...

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Avoidance Behavior...Triggering?

When looking for a definition you will find:

Avoidance Behavior
Part of speech: n
Definition: a pervasive pattern of avoiding or withdrawing from social interaction; a defense mechanism by which a person removes himself/herself from unpleasant situations.
Example: Teri fills up all of her free time with busy work and other tasks so she doesn't have to focus on goals she should be working towards, and tasks that have been assigned.

Yesiree bob, this describes me to a T lately. I have been avoiding anything having to do with my ed, this blog included, books I'm supposed to be reading, my journal...haven't touched it in weeks, small goals  Sarah and I have set for the week, you name it and I'm probably avoiding it. It's almost like I've convinced myself that if I avoid all of these things I can pretend like I'm fine and there's nothing wrong, my ed is not an issue. Oh the lies we can tell ourselves...

I keep telling myself I'm too busy, which things are pretty hectic, but if I do have a free minute I find something to busy myself with so I won't have time to get to the tasks. Then I don't have to feel guilty for not accomplishing anything that I should be. Which doesn't last long because the guilt sets in once I realize that I'm fitting in 2 1/2+ hour workouts everyday, plus two extra hour long workouts on top of that this week, but I can't find time to put the work into something that I know is so important for my recovery right now.

Sarah says I'm on the fence about recovery. Part of me wants nothing more than to get past this, but the other part of me is so afraid to let go. Will I be happy without Ed? I'd like to believe so, but right now  everything is black or white and I can't see how I can have a healthy relationship with food and still be happy. To me food still = FAT. frustrating.

Right now I'm sitting here with and index card in my lap. Written on it are the goals Sarah and I came up with last Friday. Now it's the day before I see her again and I haven't really put much of an effort in  to reaching them. They were simple too...

1. Write down the reoccurring Ed thoughts/Negative thoughts (haven't even started)
2. Do a stretching/yoga video twice in the next week (only did it once...a hard sweaty workout seemed more important)
3. Time for self-engage self in some activity that is enjoyable to you (I told myself that my workouts were  my time for self...although I know I'm just fooling myself since they aren't enjoyable anymore, they're just about burning calories.)

There's no reason I shouldn't have been able to accomplish these three easy things.

I see my physician tomorrow too, which I'm really nervous about. I know they are going to weigh me and I wasn't comfortable with my weight at my very that I've gained a little (I think? still haven't stepped on a scale) I'm even more shameful about it and don't want anyone to know how "high" it is.

Today at work we had a going away party for a coworker and I allowed myself to eat...which always leads to destructive behaviors, so I'm feeling pretty blah tonight. Anxious to talk through it with Sarah tomorrow.

Spring Break starts tomorrow after  work! Hoping to have some down time the next week. Planning to snowboard a couple of days, so there's something to look forward to!

What do you say back to yourself when you have negative thoughts? Do you have certain things that you avoid?

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Now YOU know MY ABC's...

Hey everyone! How are you all doing?

Things have been sooo insanely busy here the past few weeks. I have had zero time to read all of my fav blogs let alone work on a new post for mine! Sorry to those of you that have been reading! I'm really going to try and be more consistent.

In the last few weeks I have received a few emails from others who are dealing with a lot of the same issues as me. It totally bums me out to know that others are dealing with this too. As strange and hypocritical as it sounds it's okay for me to struggle with this, but no one else should have's okay for me not to see my own beauty, but I think it's so important for others to recognize theirs. There are many days where I feel like giving up, but getting emails like these keep me focused on my goal and are so encouraging. I feel if I can do it maybe I can somehow help them get through it too! So please keep them coming! I know sometimes I'm slow to reply, but I will!!! :)

So things here are going pretty much the same. I am slowly increasing my food intake, but still am not able to actually sit down to an actual meal. I'm trying to eat a few bites of things here and there throughout the day. Which is a HUGE improvement considering where I began. The struggle with the weight I'm gaining is something I'm trying to deal w/one day at a time. Some  days I realize that it's needed in order for me to recover and other days I'm questioning whether or not recovery is worth giving up my "safety blanket" which has been ED.

I'm feeling easily frustrated with my progress, because I think things are moving so slow, but Sarah keeps assuring me that I'm doing great and that sometimes it takes years to get to the point I have in several months. Even though I'm only taking baby steps they are still a step in the right direction.

So I've read a few ABC's of Me on other blogs recently and figured it would be a perfect time for me to do it too...since I've been too lazy to ever compose an about me section. So here is a tiny peek at me. :)

A.   Age: 27

B.    Bed size: Queen....really need to invest in and make room for a King

C.   Chore you hate: Bathrooms & unloading the dishwasher

D.   Dogs: I'm a total Dog person! I have two...a Lab that I adopted (Guy) and a Beagle (Tucker).

 (Aren't they precious??? Aww, they love each other!)

E.  Essential start to your day: I'm a morning person, but brushing my teeth is always 1st thing!
F.  Favorite color: Blue

G.  Gold or silver: Definitely Silver...I've never been a big fan of gold

H.  Height: 5’7”  not a shorty like the rest of my fam...pretty funny though because I used to be super short!

I.   Instruments you play: None, unfortunately. I can mess around on a few things and play by ear...but nothing good. I want to learn piano and guitar!!!

J.   Job title: TI reading Aide-ESL/ELL Parent Involvement Program Director

K.  Kids: I'm surrounded by them all day everyday

L.  Live: in WY...but really belong in HI :)

(Hawaii- June 2010)

M. Mom’s name: Angie


N.  Nicknames: Ter, Terio, Ter Bear (hate this one), Buffy,
OA, RickyTickyTeriNoSombrarieLadiDadiDa-peh (long story) haha 

O.  Overnight hospital stays: A few...the most recent after surgery this past summer

P.  Pet peeve: Sooo many! Bad manners are huge though! Also, people who take themselves too seriously, or are quick to judge and  stereotype others.

Q.  Quote from a movie: "Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life."

R.  Righty or Lefty: Righty.

S.   Siblings: April, Eric, Paul, Lisa...I'm the baby

(1983-Just missing my sis April)

T.   Time you wake up: 5-5:30

U.   Underwear: We call them chonies around here...haha

V.    Vegetables you dislike: Hmmm I'm not sure if I dislike any...maybe okra, cooked tomatoes and onions, does sauerkraut count?

W.   What makes you run late: Stupid snowy/slick roads

X.    X-rays you’ve had: A few...the most memorable was on my legs.

Y.    Yummy food you make: All the food I make is YUMMY! My kitchen is where I feel most at home! (weird for someone w/ED right...though I've been told it's really common.)
(Definitely one of my top 5 gifts I find excuses to be in my kitchen just so I can use it!)

Z.     Zoo animal favorite: I LOVE the zoo...even though I think it's sad seeing the animals all locked up. My favs are the BIG animals...Elephants, Rhinos, Tigers,etc.

Okay time to hear from you! Choose a few letters and teach me a little about you in the comments section!