When looking for a definition you will find:
Part of speech: n
Definition: a pervasive pattern of avoiding or withdrawing from social interaction; a defense mechanism by which a person removes himself/herself from unpleasant situations.
Example: Teri fills up all of her free time with busy work and other tasks so she doesn't have to focus on goals she should be working towards, and tasks that have been assigned.
Yesiree bob, this describes me to a T lately. I have been avoiding anything having to do with my ed, this blog included, books I'm supposed to be reading, my journal...haven't touched it in weeks, small goals Sarah and I have set for the week, you name it and I'm probably avoiding it. It's almost like I've convinced myself that if I avoid all of these things I can pretend like I'm fine and there's nothing wrong, my ed is not an issue. Oh the lies we can tell ourselves...
I keep telling myself I'm too busy, which things are pretty hectic, but if I do have a free minute I find something to busy myself with so I won't have time to get to the tasks. Then I don't have to feel guilty for not accomplishing anything that I should be. Which doesn't last long because the guilt sets in once I realize that I'm fitting in 2 1/2+ hour workouts everyday, plus two extra hour long workouts on top of that this week, but I can't find time to put the work into something that I know is so important for my recovery right now.
Sarah says I'm on the fence about recovery. Part of me wants nothing more than to get past this, but the other part of me is so afraid to let go. Will I be happy without Ed? I'd like to believe so, but right now everything is black or white and I can't see how I can have a healthy relationship with food and still be happy. To me food still = FAT. Ughhh...so frustrating.
Right now I'm sitting here with and index card in my lap. Written on it are the goals Sarah and I came up with last Friday. Now it's the day before I see her again and I haven't really put much of an effort in to reaching them. They were simple too...
1. Write down the reoccurring Ed thoughts/Negative thoughts (haven't even started)
2. Do a stretching/yoga video twice in the next week (only did it once...a hard sweaty workout seemed more important)
3. Time for self-engage self in some activity that is enjoyable to you (I told myself that my workouts were my time for self...although I know I'm just fooling myself since they aren't enjoyable anymore, they're just about burning calories.)
There's no reason I shouldn't have been able to accomplish these three easy things.
I see my physician tomorrow too, which I'm really nervous about. I know they are going to weigh me and I wasn't comfortable with my weight at my very lowest...now that I've gained a little (I think? still haven't stepped on a scale) I'm even more shameful about it and don't want anyone to know how "high" it is.
Today at work we had a going away party for a coworker and I allowed myself to eat...which always leads to destructive behaviors, so I'm feeling pretty blah tonight. Anxious to talk through it with Sarah tomorrow.
Spring Break starts tomorrow after work! Hoping to have some down time the next week. Planning to snowboard a couple of days, so there's something to look forward to!
What do you say back to yourself when you have negative thoughts? Do you have certain things that you avoid?