M.I.A.

Hello everyone!!! Sorry I have been M.I.A. lately. Things have been extremely busy. And quite honestly recovery has not  been first priority at all...therefore blogging has totally been set on the back burner. Definitly not a good thing as I'm having my worst relapse since beginning treatment. Letting old Ed behaviors creep back in and even finding myself doing new things that I never would have done while I was at the very worst of my ED. Something has got to change...just not quite sure what kind of push I need to get myself trying again.

Lots of changes coming soon...maybe the reason for the extra anxiety and possibly using ED as a coping mechanism?....

Hope all is well with everyone reading! Would LOVE to hear any tips, updates, and randomness from you! :)

If summer ever decides to make itself known here I have some really fun plans! What do you have planned for the summer?

How do you get out of a funk, push on when you feel like giving up?
xo

Avoidance Behavior...Triggering?

When looking for a definition you will find:

Avoidance Behavior
Part of speech: n
Definition: a pervasive pattern of avoiding or withdrawing from social interaction; a defense mechanism by which a person removes himself/herself from unpleasant situations.
Example: Teri fills up all of her free time with busy work and other tasks so she doesn't have to focus on goals she should be working towards, and tasks that have been assigned.

Yesiree bob, this describes me to a T lately. I have been avoiding anything having to do with my ed, this blog included, books I'm supposed to be reading, my journal...haven't touched it in weeks, small goals  Sarah and I have set for the week, you name it and I'm probably avoiding it. It's almost like I've convinced myself that if I avoid all of these things I can pretend like I'm fine and there's nothing wrong, my ed is not an issue. Oh the lies we can tell ourselves...

I keep telling myself I'm too busy, which things are pretty hectic, but if I do have a free minute I find something to busy myself with so I won't have time to get to the tasks. Then I don't have to feel guilty for not accomplishing anything that I should be. Which doesn't last long because the guilt sets in once I realize that I'm fitting in 2 1/2+ hour workouts everyday, plus two extra hour long workouts on top of that this week, but I can't find time to put the work into something that I know is so important for my recovery right now.

Sarah says I'm on the fence about recovery. Part of me wants nothing more than to get past this, but the other part of me is so afraid to let go. Will I be happy without Ed? I'd like to believe so, but right now  everything is black or white and I can't see how I can have a healthy relationship with food and still be happy. To me food still = FAT. Ughhh...so frustrating.

Right now I'm sitting here with and index card in my lap. Written on it are the goals Sarah and I came up with last Friday. Now it's the day before I see her again and I haven't really put much of an effort in  to reaching them. They were simple too...

1. Write down the reoccurring Ed thoughts/Negative thoughts (haven't even started)
2. Do a stretching/yoga video twice in the next week (only did it once...a hard sweaty workout seemed more important)
3. Time for self-engage self in some activity that is enjoyable to you (I told myself that my workouts were  my time for self...although I know I'm just fooling myself since they aren't enjoyable anymore, they're just about burning calories.)

There's no reason I shouldn't have been able to accomplish these three easy things.

I see my physician tomorrow too, which I'm really nervous about. I know they are going to weigh me and I wasn't comfortable with my weight at my very lowest...now that I've gained a little (I think? still haven't stepped on a scale) I'm even more shameful about it and don't want anyone to know how "high" it is.

Today at work we had a going away party for a coworker and I allowed myself to eat...which always leads to destructive behaviors, so I'm feeling pretty blah tonight. Anxious to talk through it with Sarah tomorrow.

Spring Break starts tomorrow after  work! Hoping to have some down time the next week. Planning to snowboard a couple of days, so there's something to look forward to!

What do you say back to yourself when you have negative thoughts? Do you have certain things that you avoid?

Now YOU know MY ABC's...

Hey everyone! How are you all doing?

Things have been sooo insanely busy here the past few weeks. I have had zero time to read all of my fav blogs let alone work on a new post for mine! Sorry to those of you that have been reading! I'm really going to try and be more consistent.

In the last few weeks I have received a few emails from others who are dealing with a lot of the same issues as me. It totally bums me out to know that others are dealing with this too. As strange and hypocritical as it sounds it's okay for me to struggle with this, but no one else should have to....it's okay for me not to see my own beauty, but I think it's so important for others to recognize theirs. There are many days where I feel like giving up, but getting emails like these keep me focused on my goal and are so encouraging. I feel if I can do it maybe I can somehow help them get through it too! So please keep them coming! I know sometimes I'm slow to reply, but I will!!! :)

So things here are going pretty much the same. I am slowly increasing my food intake, but still am not able to actually sit down to an actual meal. I'm trying to eat a few bites of things here and there throughout the day. Which is a HUGE improvement considering where I began. The struggle with the weight I'm gaining is something I'm trying to deal w/one day at a time. Some  days I realize that it's needed in order for me to recover and other days I'm questioning whether or not recovery is worth giving up my "safety blanket" which has been ED.

I'm feeling easily frustrated with my progress, because I think things are moving so slow, but Sarah keeps assuring me that I'm doing great and that sometimes it takes years to get to the point I have in several months. Even though I'm only taking baby steps they are still a step in the right direction.

So I've read a few ABC's of Me on other blogs recently and figured it would be a perfect time for me to do it too...since I've been too lazy to ever compose an about me section. So here is a tiny peek at me. :)

A.   Age: 27

B.    Bed size: Queen....really need to invest in and make room for a King

C.   Chore you hate: Bathrooms & unloading the dishwasher

D.   Dogs: I'm a total Dog person! I have two...a Lab that I adopted (Guy) and a Beagle (Tucker).

 (Aren't they precious??? Aww, they love each other!)

E.  Essential start to your day: I'm a morning person, but brushing my teeth is always 1st thing!

F.  Favorite color: Blue

G.  Gold or silver: Definitely Silver...I've never been a big fan of gold

H.  Height: 5’7”  not a shorty like the rest of my fam...pretty funny though because I used to be super short!

I.   Instruments you play: None, unfortunately. I can mess around on a few things and play by ear...but nothing good. I want to learn piano and guitar!!!

J.   Job title: TI reading Aide-ESL/ELL Parent Involvement Program Director

K.  Kids: I'm surrounded by them all day everyday

L.  Live: in WY...but really belong in HI :)

(Hawaii- June 2010)

M. Mom’s name: Angie

(My AMAZING Dad and BEAUTIFUL Mom)

N.  Nicknames: Ter, Terio, Ter Bear (hate this one), Buffy,
OA, RickyTickyTeriNoSombrarieLadiDadiDa-peh (long story) haha 

O.  Overnight hospital stays: A few...the most recent after surgery this past summer

P.  Pet peeve: Sooo many! Bad manners are huge though! Also, people who take themselves too seriously, or are quick to judge and  stereotype others.

Q.  Quote from a movie: "Be happy for this moment, this moment is your life."

R.  Righty or Lefty: Righty.

S.   Siblings: April, Eric, Paul, Lisa...I'm the baby

(1983-Just missing my sis April)

T.   Time you wake up: 5-5:30

U.   Underwear: We call them chonies around here...haha

V.    Vegetables you dislike: Hmmm I'm not sure if I dislike any...maybe okra, cooked tomatoes and onions, does sauerkraut count?

W.   What makes you run late: Stupid snowy/slick roads

X.    X-rays you’ve had: A few...the most memorable was on my legs.

Y.    Yummy food you make: All the food I make is YUMMY! My kitchen is where I feel most at home! (weird for someone w/ED right...though I've been told it's really common.)

(Definitely one of my top 5 gifts ever...now I find excuses to be in my kitchen just so I can use it!)

Z.     Zoo animal favorite: I LOVE the zoo...even though I think it's sad seeing the animals all locked up. My favs are the BIG animals...Elephants, Rhinos, Tigers,etc.

Okay time to hear from you! Choose a few letters and teach me a little about you in the comments section!

You Can Never Cross The Ocean Unless You Have Courage To Lose Sight Of The Shore...

The title for today's blog is a quote by Christopher Columbus....pretty wise dude. :)

                                          He and I totally have something in common... =D


I believe the same goes for ED recovery. Lately I am totally lacking in the courage department. So I'm just looking out at the ocean and occasionally dipping my toes in before quickly pulling them back out. Who knows how long it will be before I find the audacity to try to push myself to completely take the plunge and free myself from Ed.

Honestly trying to recover is HARD!...and quite frankly sucks right now. I'm sure once I'm recovered for awhile it will have been the greatest choice I could have made. Yet, lately I can't help but wonder if this is all really worth it. Of course TERI knows it is, but unfortunately Ed is still stronger and more dominant.

I'm still working on trying to eat more, w/o much luck, and increase fluids...so things are moving very slowly. I find that I'd rather have a tiny bit of something that's not good for me than the right amount of what my body needs. Sarah says this is because of my body being in starvation mode...it wants fuel and it wants it fast, so that's why I want sugar. I know she's right, it makes total sense, but Ed says I want sugar because I'm fat and weak. If I were skinny enough I wouldn't ever crave things that weren't good for me. As ridiculous as that sounds I can't totally dismiss him and the thoughts like these that are constantly running through my head.

I've also upped my workouts again which is a big no-no, but am feeling miserable about the weight that I know I've gained (Still haven't stepped on a scale since beginning recovery, but can feel and see it.) Soooo....Ed's somehow got me convinced that by increasing my gym time I'm making up for failing myself and gaining weight. While I'm more concerned about feeling like a failure for not listening to Sarah about cutting back on exercise and not even attempting to follow my meal plan Ed still wins and the workouts continue to get longer and longer again. Something we'll have to address on Friday when I see her again.

On a happier note I went away last weekend and went snowboarding!!!! Had an AWESOME time and have determined that I totally need more practice getting off the lift. Fall on my ass every time! How is it that I can make it down the mountain just fine, but the lift totally kicks my ass? haha Sarah teaches snowboarding and told me how it helped her recover from her ED and that it's a great way to get your mind off everything. She couldn't have been more right. I've snowboarded before, but never thought of it that way. I also never thought of it as being a good workout...even while I was up on the mountain I was telling myself that I should have figured out how to fit in a workout that morning. I was wrong though...my arms and thighs are still sore and it's been 4 days!...oh yea, my bum is sore from all the falling too.

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week. The theme this year is "It's Time to Talk About It", which I am doing here. They are encouraging everyone to do just one thing think of how many people can be reached if we all follow their lead and do something!

Melissa from Melissa Nibbles (one of my fav blogs!!!) wrote a great post this week about NEDAW. It's definitely a must read! She describes perfectly some of the things she's dealt with, and I currently am, on a day to day basis.

Fun weekend planned here...then off to Vegas next week!

What are you all doing this weekend? Will you do one thing to honor NEDAW?..if so what?



Ed Has Been With Me For A Lot Longer Than I Thought...+ Valentine's Day.

Hi everyone! Happy Valentine's Weekend!!!! Hope you are spending it with your sweetheart...or if you're not a fan of the holiday, like me, you're using it as a guilt free excuse to stuff yourself with sweethearts, chocolate, wine, and watch sappy chick flicks!

So...did I stuff myself with Valentine's candy??? No, but it's definitely a goal of mine! =) I WILL GET THERE!!! I did watch a few chick flicks over the weekend though! Fools Rush In...one of my very favorite movies and Revenge of the Bridesmaids...mad corny, but had me giggling here and there. If I'm lucky I may have time to fit one more in before the weekend is over, or at least catch the Kardashians! They're addictive!!!

As for an update on me I'm still just "treading water" not making any growth and some days I fall completely back into old habits, but I'm coming to realize that this is going to be a very long journey and as long as I continue to try to recover I will get there eventually.

After talking with Sarah at my appointment on Friday I realized that Ed has been part of my life for much, much longer than I was aware. She helped me realize that when I was only 8 yrs old, and my family had just moved, the voice telling me "The other kids would accept you if you weren't so fat.", or "If you eat that birthday cake you're just going to get bigger than you already are...don't do it." etc. was Ed. I remember having thoughts like these all the time...Ed was always there.

As I got older it only got worse. I remember at cheerleading camp my sophmore year of high school I didn't like the way one of our camp uniforms looked on me. So, I starved myself to fit into it just right....and even then I didn't eat breakfast or lunch throughout the entire camp and wore my shirt differently than everyone else because I didn't want them to see "How huge I was!" Even though we were physically active the entire time it wasn't enough for me to allow myself to eat. Once camp was over I'd end up binging...then feel even worse than I did when I was not eating at all.

Things were always black or white, there's never been a middle ground for me. Don't eat at all, or eat too much. Both came with extreme guilt.

In High school I'd never eat breakfast and very, very rarely would allow myself to eat lunch. Dinner was eaten only if I had time. Even then if I didn't end up eating too much I would feel terrible for allowing myself to have eaten at all. Ed was there making it known that if I wasn't so weak I would be able to have control and wouldn't have eaten at all.

I never remember feeling good about eating, but loved the feeling I'd get when I'd go a certain amount of time without eating. I'd feel like I'd accomplished something worthwhile. And so the cycle began...just getting more and more drastic as time went on. I just thought it was normal...everyone goes through this and has these thoughts right?

Ed wasn't front and center all the time, but he's definitely always been there at least whispering and influencing my relationship with food and the way I feel about my body.

I'm really working on trying to determine when Ed is talking and when Teri is talking. Sometimes...most of the time...I can't distinguish who's voice it is yet, but with Sarah's help I'm slowly learning to be more aware.

So since I'm not making any progress with my meal plan and nutrition at the mo Sarah decided that for now she's just going to really focus on the therapy portion of recovery and that once Molly (my other nutritionist) is back she'll get to work on the nutrition part. Hopefully with less pressure (by myself, not my team) to follow the meal plan the next few weeks I'll be able to get to the root of some things and take a few steps forward.

While setting goals for this week Sarah asked what I wanted to work on. My reply was "Not to drown...just to keep treading water and have the log to grab onto until I'm ready to push away a little more." So for this week that's all I intend to do...keep fighting, but not to push myself too hard or fast. That will only set me up for failure and make me feel worse than I already do.

There's so many feelings I'm experiencing all at once. Sometimes I'm still feeling completely overwhelmed and just shut down so I don't have to feel anything. I feel like I'm being pulled in two separate directions. One part of me really wants to get better and thinks that even though I'm going very slow it's still progress and that I should be proud of that. While another part of me says that I'm not moving fast enough and that if I really wanted to get better I would be making a lot more effort to follow the meal plan, exercise less, etc.

I wish I could just flip a switch and shut this all off. As great as that would be I know this journey, as hard as it may be, is going to make me a much stronger and better person in the long run.

Hope you all have a great Vday tomorrow...I will be spending my entire day/night working! Yipppeee...VERY ROMANTIC! haha

How was your weekend? What are your favorite chick flicks/Valentine candy?

I came across this and it made me laugh so I had to share!!!

DID YOU KNOW...VALENTINE'S DAY EDITION

*Did you know that Valentine's day is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending cards, presenting flowers, or apologizing for failing to do these things?

*Did you know that St. Valentine came up with Valentine's Day cause he was tryin' to do some chick?

*Did you know that around 3% of pet owners prefer to give Valentine gifts to their pets because that's all they have?

*Did you know Cupid's arrows are meant to symbolize the magical feeling of being pierced by love, and Cupid's diaper represents getting crapped on in relationships?

*Did you know giving your sweetheart the a "key to your heart" on Valentine's Day is a good way to tell them they're only worth about three dollars?

*Did you know you can't redeem love coupons at CVS?

*Did you know in Victorian times it was considered bad luck to sign a Valentine's Day card so people just yelled out their names?

*Did you know on February 14, 1779, Captain James Cook was murdered by natives of Hawaii during his third visit to the Pacific island group?

*Did you know that last fact wasn't very romantic at all?

*Did you know that teachers enjoy receiving the most cards of any profession on Valentine's day, whereas pit fighters, whale hunters, and necromancers receive the least?

YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THIS VALENTINE'S KNOWLEDGE I'VE GIVEN YOU!!! My gift to you! haha

*btw sorry my posts are so long. I always think I have nothing to say and then once I get started I just keep going and going like the energizer bunny! ;)



Treading Water...

Hey everyone! Once again I haven't posted in too long. I really haven't had anything to update on though. I'm kind of stuck in my new norm right now. Not really regressing this week like I did last (Other than increasing workouts again), but not making any progress at all. I'm annoyed...but Sarah says it's okay, that this is normal and that all the fears I'm experiencing are common. So I'm taking her word for it and am still truckin' along.

On my very first day of treatment she gave me this excerpt and I've found it to be very encouraging on the days I really seem to be having a hard time.

The Process of Recovery

Excerpt from Eating in the Light of the Moon by Anita Johnson

Imagine yourself standing in the rain on the bank of a raging river. Suddenly, the water-swollen bank gives way. You fall in and find yourself being tossed around in the rapids. Your efforts to keep afloat are futile and you are drowning. By chance, along comes a log and you grab it and hold on tight. The log keeps your head above water and saves your life. Clinging to the log you are swept downstream and eventually come to a place where the water is calm. There, in the distance, you see the riverbank and attempt to swim to shore. You are unable to do so, however, because you are still clinging to the huge long with one arm as you stroke with the other. How ironic. The very thing that saved your life is now getting in the way of your getting where you want to go. There are people on the shore who see you struggle and yell, "Let go of the log!" But you are unable to do so because you have no confidence in your ability to make it to shore......................

............And so, very slowly and carefully, you let go of the log and practice floating. When you start to sink, you grab back on. Then you let go of the log and practice treading water, and when you get tired, hold on once again. After awhile, you practice swimming around the log once, twice, ten times, twenty times, a hundred times, until you gain the strength and confidence you need to swim to shore. Only then do you completely let go of the log.

So right now I'm just treading water...not ready to completely let go yet. I knew that this all would be hard, but I never imagined that it would be this difficult. I honestly thought that if I had someone there telling me exactly what to do, and giving me permission to eat that I could do it with no problems. Boy was I wrong! It has really opened my eyes to how much I've let Ed takeover. What a huge impact he's had on my life and my mind.

The mind games are the hardest thing I'm dealing with right now. I'm trying to plan each days food...which right now is only about half of what my meal plan entails, but when it comes down to actually having a "meal" I can't do it. So I'm settling for a bite of this and a bite of that throughout my day.

Sarah's goal for me this week is to have me make time to journal more. She gave me an assignment a few weeks ago that I've really been avoiding...I'm having such a hard time differentiating between the two portions of each.

1. Ed's Values vs. My Values...I've started this one and was surprised to see how much they overlapped...which makes me question if some of them are really just Ed's.


2. Pros and Cons of Ed vs. Pros and Cons of Recovery ....this one is making me think/feel too much.

I think I've been putting off more journaling/blogging because I'm afraid of to dig too deep into what I'm feeling right now, and it's easier just to put it on the back burner and ignore. I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ANY INPUT ON THE TWO TOPICS!!!!!

This all plays into my comfort zones again, right now I have a new one...hopefully next week it will have expanded more, and even more the week after that. We shall see...only time will tell.

On a side/funny note I survived subbing 4th grade yesterday...only to about kill myself on the drive home! haha Long story short...hit some ice, hit snow bank which acted like a ramp, went flying through the air..started to tip and came back down before I could roll! Thank goodness for all the snow! I was on top of a fence (snow covered...whew!), a few feet from a creek and another few feet from a big old tree! It was scary! Sad thing is there was no damage done to my truck....until I got pulled out. :( Now I have a big dent in the door to remind me of my stunt! One positive thing about it...I normally would have gotten emotional and boobed about it, but I have so much going on right now I just thought "Eh...it could be worse!"  So.....from now on you can call me Teri Kenevil! =D

Thanks for taking the time to read! Hope you're all having a great week!

Kicking Off My Week On A Positive Note...???

Yeah...not so much. =( 

This morning I'm hating the way I look. I'm feeling disgusted by what I saw in the mirror this morning. So...
today the mirror and I aren't friends,  I will be avoiding it as much as possible until I can get over this funk. I'm still really having a hard time with all the physical effects my body is having....

Like I mentioned in my last post certain bones aren't poking out anymore and I'm hating it. I don't know why...because I've never thought bony thin people were attractive. So why would I want to look like that? Yet if my ribs are sticking out enough I know it's going to be a good day...sick & wrong, no?

I'm wondering how much weight I've already put on and petrified to try and increase my intake more because if the little bit that I have already increased is making me look like this then what will I look like once I add more? Once again Ed is obviously doing my thinking for me.

Sometimes I wonder if there really is a healthy balance. Right now I feel like it's a choice between one or the other:

GET BETTER, EAT, & BE FAT vs. RESTRICT, STAY THINNER, BE HAPPY W/SELF (ED?*)

*Sometimes I'm not sure whether it's his voice or mine...

I'm finding myself trying to come up with ways to justify not sticking to my meal plan and needing to eat more, and increasing the length of my workouts again. I'm coming up empty which tells me it's Ed that wants this..not me. Yet part of my thinks that I do because of the way I'm feeling,  I don't want to feel fat anymore and even though I know that my feeling that way is so much more than a number, and didn't go away no matter how low I got, part of me still believes if I could just get a little lower then happy would be there waiting.

I'm trying to convince myself that the fullness and bloat is nothing more than just that....temporary side effects of the refeeding. It will go away. All the while I have the voice in the back of my head telling me not to "Kid myself...I know it's fat and that things are just going to get much, much worse."  & "How can anyone else stand to look at me when I am disgusted and can't even stand the sight of myself."

Sarah has told me all along that this thinking process is totally normal and that the ultimate goal is to work through it and get rid of this way of thinking, but I still feel like I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to get there.

As much as I'm hating the way I look right now I'm hating my negative outlook even more, therefore I'm going to try and turn it around and find some way to be positive.

I contemplated not publishing this post because of the negativity, but want to be real and let you all see the whole picture of what I'm going through.

Any insight from you would be great!

Learning To Eat Again...

Learning to eat again...simple right?

1. Open mouth
2. Insert food
3.Chew
4. Swallow 

Easy Peasy

Ahhh if only it were that easy! The mind games that go along with it are totally crippling right now. Sometimes just the thought of eating makes me feel anxious. When beginning treatment I knew that this would be a tremendous challenge, but I never could have imagined how hard it really would be.

I have been setting small goals for myself each day, and really have good intentions of reaching them...yet am really having a hard time breaking the habits I've relied on for so long, and ignoring the Ed voice that is constantly there reminding me that food is "bad", is proving to be nearly impossible.

Now that I am starting to eat a little more I'm falling into the SAFE food zone where I'm only comfortable eating a few things and am afraid to step out of that small group of foods. I'm trying to remember that there is no such thing as a safe or unsafe food; there is only food. It doesn't control me, I control it. Just because I'm eating again doesn't mean I'll get fat. Once again easier said than done.

Even though I've only increased my food intake by such a small amount I'm already seeing the physical effects and am feeling the stress even more. This bone isn't sticking out far enough, and that fat spot is looking soo much bigger than it did last week, etc. It's this thinking process that's making refeeding that much harder.

Because I'm in a healthy weight range any gain feels like a huge one (as I'm sure it does even for someone who's underweight)  I don't want to end up back where I started...the thought of getting to that point again scares the shit out of me! I didn't put myself through hell the past 5 years just to start over at square one (obviously Ed talking there.) Just one more thing that I'm going to have to work through. It's going to take time, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to push myself too fast and then get overwhelmed and give up. 

Update on goals...things have been so crazy and busy lately that I haven't even had time to sit down and post. So I'm tweaking my goal of posting a few times a week...instead of giving myself a set number (which I'm trying to stray away from in all areas at the mo) I'd just like to post as often as I can.

Goal number two is coming along...I'm working on a recipe to share! A chocolate cookies and cream cake w/chocolate mousse filling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am I going to be able to eat any...no, I'm not there yet. Not ready to do challenge foods, but just baking it is a huge stress reliever for me so I'll be happy just having others enjoy it! Eventually I'll be able to have a piece with everyone else and not think about how I am totally blowing my whole day by indulging. Eventually I won't have to try and figure out how long I'm going to have to work out to make up for letting myself have a piece. Eventually I'll be able to have a piece without having any thought at all other than how DELICIOUS it is....I don't know how long it will take me to get to that point, but I'm trying.

I would love to hear from any of you who have been there and how you were able to get past this point! :)

Pushing Myself...In a Different Direction

For those of you who have been in a similar situation as myself, I'm sure you know I've done a lot of soul searching and thinking over the last few weeks since seeking treatment. I have sooo many questions that I'm not even close to being able to answer. Why am I like this? What led me down this path? How could I let things get so bad? Why can't I just snap out of it? Will I ever get better? etc.

Although I don't have many answers I'm continuing to dig so I can try to figure this mess out and learn how to be happy with me.

As I was working out today this is what I managed to come up with...

I'm realizing that  most of my life I never really pushed myself at things. Looking back it seems like when I did I never quite lived up to my expectations, even if I had done what everyone else would have considered a good job...leading me to believe I had failed. If things weren't perfect, then they weren't good enough.

So, I began to settle...in many areas of life, but I'll use school as an example. Instead of studying for that test I'd glance over the information an hour beforehand and manage to pull off a B. Which was okay...but there was always that thought in the back of my mind "If you would have pushed yourself just a little bit harder and actually studied you could have had that A....Stop selling yourself short!"  This way of thinking began to seep into all other areas.

Yet, I couldn't ever seem to step out of that comfort area and see what I was truly capable of. The only area I've ever felt comfortable doing that was with exercise and dieting, but I obviously quit thinking rationally and took things way too far.

Instead of pushing myself to the point where I felt good and proud of what I'd accomplished I just kept pushing further, and further...just to see how much more I could take. What was my body capable of before it couldn't take anymore? When I would exceed my expectations of what I thought I was capable of I'd get a sense of success and accomplishment that I never allowed myself to feel in other areas of my life. These were the only times I felt like I had done something worthwhile.

Pushing myself wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it was the need to push myself even further the next time in order to get that same feeling of accomplishment. Somewhere along the way I got lost in the numbers and began to get numb to my body's voice and was overtaken by Ed (who seems to know no boundaries). It no longer mattered that my body was screaming for food and rest...Ed was louder and more prominent. He still is...

Now I have to fight to push myself in the other direction....instead of struggling for just 10 more minutes on the treadmill only to need 10 minutes more, or add 20 more reps which turns into 50..I'm going to struggle (which it definitely will be) to eat that piece of bread, to have another couple of almonds, to eat a square of chocolate without having to somehow restrict more or figure out how I will make up for it later.

The only way I'm going to beat this is by realizing MY boundaries, not Ed's. I've got to tune him out and tune into what my body is telling me! I have to continue to take baby steps out of my comfort zone and routines in order to take a giant leap away from Ed...therefore creating an entirely new and expanded comfort zone for myself.

Can I do this overnight? No way, but I believe that just acknowledging it and realizing these things are a step in the right direction on this journey.

Have you ever pushed something too far? What did you do to get past it?

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”

The title of today's post is a quote from the very wise Albert Einstein. If I were to change the quote to better suit me it would say:

"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things, AND DEFINITELY NOT A NUMBER!!!" 

Easier said than done right? Definitely something I need to keep in mind as I continue to struggle.

My appointment with Lori went pretty well yesterday. She is so understanding and I'm very grateful to have her as part of my treatment team. I was really nervous to meet with her because she's like a family friend and I thought she would be disappointed in me, but she just emphasized that she wants me to be healthy and happy.

We went over quite a few things, primarily what damage Ed does to the body...most of which I knew, but were never enough to make me change my ways. Now I know that even had I wanted to I probably couldn't have on my own.  Fortunately we don't think there's been irreversible damage...if I start to turn things around now.

I had more labs done and will be hearing back on them today. Right now it looks like I will be meeting with each person of the team at least once a week. Lori also started me on some meds that should help with the OCD/Ed behaviors.

Yesterday was the first time I've stepped on a scale since starting treatment...PANIC does not even begin to describe the way I felt. It was a blind weigh in so I wasn't allowed to see it, but Ed has me convinced that it had to have been up at least 20lbs (even though I know that's not really possible.) and that I should be ashamed for letting anyone else see how high the number is when it's not even an acceptable number for me. It was hard, as I'm sure it will be for a while yet.

Now back to the real reason I wanted to write this post. GOALS! In order to start getting past this breakup :)  I need to consistently be setting new goals for myself. Some will be be day to day/weekly and others will be my bigger 2011 goals. If I post them here I'm hoping it will make me more accountable and push me harder to achieve them. 

Here are just a few...

1. Continue your journey to a HEALTHY life.

2. Keep up this blog...and since cooking/baking is your passion as you recover start transforming it from a ED support blog to a healthy living/food blog.

3. Learn to relax again and enjoy the simple things!

4. Break free from your normal routine and try new things/foods/workouts etc.

5. Get out on your wakeboard and kick some ass....after a year and a half hiatus. (More motivation to get rid of Ed, otherwise I won't have the energy!)

I hope to start working toward all of these and continue to add even more!   In order to accomplish these I looked to another quote by Larry Elder.

"A goal without a plan is just a wish." So, I knew I had to come up with a plan for each of the goals.

1. Continue to meet with Sarah, Lori, & Molly. Accept the support that is being offered and stay positive! You want this and WILL do it! 

2. Post at least a couple of times a week. Start sharing your meals...(once at that point) and workouts. Share recipes!

3. Put things that can wait on the back burner. Take time for yourself, even if it's just a minute or two, and enjoy family and friends...that workout does NOT HAVE to happen right now. It will still be there if a few hours, tomorrow, or even this weekend.

4. Don't plan everything down to the finest detail! Follow your heart more, not just your schedule!

5. Set your board somewhere where you'll walk by and see it everyday...it will serve as a reminder of what you are trying to accomplish.

Today I had a smaller goal...to eat breakfast. I DID IT! Ed was there with me the whole time pushing his guilt and shame, but I didn't let it defer me and persisted!

BABY STEPS!!!!

Do you have any goals for 2011?...How are you going to accomplish them?

1/11/11...That Has To Be Lucky...Right???

Good morning! :)

I'm a pretty superstitious person and of course, as I'm sure a lot of people dealing with Ed are, am obsessed with numbers. So, it goes without saying that today's date definitely caught my attention 1/1/11!!! I'm pretty positive that a number like that HAS to be a lucky one!

Any guesses what I'll be doing today 1/11/11 at 1:11pm?...That's right making a wish! haha
Now...what to wish for?

Appointment with Lori and maybe Sarah later....

If you're a superstitious goof like myself, what will you be wishing for?

Only a Minor Slip...???

Well a day that started off on a somewhat positive note has quickly transformed into a downwad spiral. Old habits aren't going to go away easily and are putting up a hell of a fight...I caved into them today, but am ready to put the gloves back on and go another round tomorrow.

I'm feeling frustrated and disappointed in myself, but know that this was just the first of many slip ups to come.

I'm meeting with Lori, my Dr., again tomorrow...not sure what the appointment will entail so I'm a bit anxious about that.

If you are reading my blog and know anyone else who would have a connection to it please spread the word...I would love to have more followers and hear from many different people about their experiences and wisdom.

Until tomorrow.....

Balls To The Wall...

Balls to the wall...is exactly what I'm trying NOT to do today! I know if I do that I'm setting myself up to fail. It's OKAY to take things slowly!

Yesterday was day 2 of refeeding and I didn't do as well as I had hoped, but right now any improvement is a good one, so I'm just going to keep on keepin' on! :)

I'm still not even close to eating what my recommended meal plan requires, but as long as I try to do a little more each day I know I'm on the right path. So, even though I didn't even eat 1/4 of what I was supposed to I ate...and that's a start!

Now I have to come up with ways to cope with feelings of guilt and weakness after I eat. Just writing about it here is going to help I'm sure. Open to any advice you  may have!

Have a good start to your week!

The First Few Days/Refeeding

Here's just a quick summary of my first few days of treatment.

Day 1: Initial consultation with Sarah (Counselor/Nutritionist). Gave VERY brief background and began to form a trusting relationship. I know when I'm there with here I'm in a "safe" place.

Came up with a few goals I could work on until our next meeting. First goal...get rid of scale! Having a VERRRRY hard time with this one so far, but haven't seen my weight since. I have no clue where my scale is, and so far have not gone on a scavenger hunt for it. :) NO MORE FOCUSING ON STUPID #'s!!!

Sent to Lori, my Dr., for blood work to evaluate where my body was at before a treatment plan could be developed.

FAST FORWARD >>>>>>>>>

Day 4: Met with Sarah to go over blood work and begin developing the best way to go about treatment for me.

We decided it would be best to separate the therapy from nutrition so Sarah is going to focus on the therapy with me while overseeing the nutrition aspect, which will be done by Molly. Lori will be along for the ride to make sure my body is dealing with everything ok. 

Discussed Refeeding, and and it's dangers. I think refeeding is going to be the first, of many, and what I think is going to be one of the most challenging steps of the recovery process. Refeeing is the re nourishment process. It is a very important part of healing from ED and is a necessary step of recovery. I'm trying to prepare myself for the discomfort and emotional toll that this process is going to have on me during this initial phase.

Sarah gave me a meal plan to try and follow as well as  list of supplements I am to begin taking. To most people the amount of food would seem like very little, but for me it seems like an enormous amount. I'm going to do my best to try and follow it as closely as I can. Sarah said it was okay to begin with a little at a time and not to try and rush into it too fast.

*I am to keep track of meals, feelings/behaviors, as well as keep a journal throughout this entire process. This blog will help me do all of the above!

Scheduled another Dr. appointment with Lori for next week, after which I'll meet with Sarah again.  

Day 5: First day of refeeding

Fell very short of what was outlined in the meal plan, but did eat and drink a little, bit which is already an improvement. 

Today I had 1 grain serving, 1/2 fruit serving, and 1/4 protein serving. I also took all of the recommended supplements and more than doubled my normal consumption of liquids. Tomorrow I hope to add on just a little bit more.

I have so many feelings happening all at once right now, that I'm having a very difficult time putting everything into words. Although these first few posts have draaaaagggged on... I'm sure you didn't notice. haha

If I were to choose the most dominant feelings I'm having right now I would go with anxious, scared, overwhelmed, but most importantly OPTIMISTIC!!!! I AM going to beat this!

Now that I've given you just a little taste of what's happening with me I'm hoping to start posting more of what's happening with recovery on a day to day basis. Things such as bits and pieces of my food journal, feelings, workouts, recipes, pictures, coping methods, etc. As well as just more information about myself so you can better get to know me and not just this loser Ed. ;)

A Chaotic Beginning

I know that  haven't even begun to tell my story, but I'm not quite sure where to start. So, I want to think it over and decide where to begin before putting up a chaotic post of unorganized ramblings...which I assure will happen at some point anyway! =D Until then I'd like to start with where I'm at RIGHT NOW, the rest can wait.


I've only been on this path to recovery for a little over a week, so I'm sure you all will understand when I say there is so much going on in my head right now that I'm completely overwhelmed and having trouble trying to take everything in.


Long story...verrrryyyy short....I have been putting up with ED for over 5 years now, and ED tendencies for closer to 20. After much thought and support from those around me I have decided to give him the boot once and for all! I know he'll try to make many repeat appearances, where I will be extremely tempted to take him back, but have my mind made up and am determined to free myself of him. I'm ready to be ED free...and happy!


*As you can see, I refer to my eating disorder as ED. If you didn't gather already from the title of the blog this is the story of our breakup...haha That's the way I see it anyway. I'm in a very unhealthy relationship with ED and just like any unheathy relationship a breakup is definitely needed for me to move on with life and free myself from the chains he's so tightly wrapped around me.*


Like I said, after much encouragement from a very small circle of people, who know about ED and me, I finally decided to reach out for the help I have so desperately been needing and wanting for so long. I began by just doing a little research and reading, then turned to an AMAZING person who has also lived with and successfully kicked ED to the curb. I also confided in my best friend...who is soooo wonderful and gave me the final push I needed to know that I can't do this on my own.


I sent out a few emails and finally found a counselor/nutritionist, who specializes in eating disorders, in my area. I immediately contacted her and anxiously awaited her reply. We set an appointment for this last Tuesday. I met with her then and instantly felt a connection. She totally put me at ease, I felt 100% comfortable sharing with her and did not feel the need to hold back. After, our initial consultation I knew she was the right fit and decided to continue my recovery process with her.


Because of the risk/complexity involved in treating patients with ED I will not only be working with her, but an entire team of people. Sarah (the counseor) is going to work on the therapy portion of my recovery, whole Lori my Dr. will deal with the health aspects, and Molly will work with me on the nutrition portion (under the supervision of Sarah.)


Sarah first recommended that I enter a residential treatment center, but at the present time that is absolutely not an option for me. After discussing my options we agreed on trying an outpatient process where I will work with her and the aforementioned team on a weekly basis.


I feel like I'm getting ahead of myself...so many thoughts happening all at once! I'm going to slow down and jump into another post to give you just a small glimpse of what the last five days of treatment have been like for me.


*I promise this will all eventually begin to fall into place and be more organized and easier to follow! Hope I haven't lost your attention yet!

Just Breathe

Just Breathe...that's what I keep telling myself over and over the last few days. The decision to seek help for my ED (eating disorder) and actually taking the first steps in order to do so have kind of been a whirlwind decision. I've known for awhile now that my ED was getting further and further out of hand, but didn't think it was something I couldn't overcome on my own...that is of course until I tried. Ed took it's grasp and is holding on tight.

My hope with this blog is to provide myself with an outlet and way to document the day to day happenings with my recovery. Maybe even inspire and form a support system for others who may be struggling with some of the same issues as myself.

I will fill you all in on how I got to where I am today and much more about me later, but want to get started on my first few days since embarking on this journey....to be continued. :)