The Path Unknown...

The Path Unknown...

Monday, January 24, 2011

Kicking Off My Week On A Positive Note...???

Yeah...not so much. =( 

This morning I'm hating the way I look. I'm feeling disgusted by what I saw in the mirror this morning. So...
today the mirror and I aren't friends,  I will be avoiding it as much as possible until I can get over this funk. I'm still really having a hard time with all the physical effects my body is having....

Like I mentioned in my last post certain bones aren't poking out anymore and I'm hating it. I don't know why...because I've never thought bony thin people were attractive. So why would I want to look like that? Yet if my ribs are sticking out enough I know it's going to be a good day...sick & wrong, no?

I'm wondering how much weight I've already put on and petrified to try and increase my intake more because if the little bit that I have already increased is making me look like this then what will I look like once I add more? Once again Ed is obviously doing my thinking for me.

Sometimes I wonder if there really is a healthy balance. Right now I feel like it's a choice between one or the other:


*Sometimes I'm not sure whether it's his voice or mine...

I'm finding myself trying to come up with ways to justify not sticking to my meal plan and needing to eat more, and increasing the length of my workouts again. I'm coming up empty which tells me it's Ed that wants this..not me. Yet part of my thinks that I do because of the way I'm feeling,  I don't want to feel fat anymore and even though I know that my feeling that way is so much more than a number, and didn't go away no matter how low I got, part of me still believes if I could just get a little lower then happy would be there waiting.

I'm trying to convince myself that the fullness and bloat is nothing more than just that....temporary side effects of the refeeding. It will go away. All the while I have the voice in the back of my head telling me not to "Kid myself...I know it's fat and that things are just going to get much, much worse."  & "How can anyone else stand to look at me when I am disgusted and can't even stand the sight of myself."

Sarah has told me all along that this thinking process is totally normal and that the ultimate goal is to work through it and get rid of this way of thinking, but I still feel like I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to get there.

As much as I'm hating the way I look right now I'm hating my negative outlook even more, therefore I'm going to try and turn it around and find some way to be positive.

I contemplated not publishing this post because of the negativity, but want to be real and let you all see the whole picture of what I'm going through.

Any insight from you would be great!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Learning To Eat Again...

Learning to eat again...simple right?

1. Open mouth
2. Insert food
4. Swallow 

Easy Peasy

Ahhh if only it were that easy! The mind games that go along with it are totally crippling right now. Sometimes just the thought of eating makes me feel anxious. When beginning treatment I knew that this would be a tremendous challenge, but I never could have imagined how hard it really would be.

I have been setting small goals for myself each day, and really have good intentions of reaching them...yet am really having a hard time breaking the habits I've relied on for so long, and ignoring the Ed voice that is constantly there reminding me that food is "bad", is proving to be nearly impossible.

Now that I am starting to eat a little more I'm falling into the SAFE food zone where I'm only comfortable eating a few things and am afraid to step out of that small group of foods. I'm trying to remember that there is no such thing as a safe or unsafe food; there is only food. It doesn't control me, I control it. Just because I'm eating again doesn't mean I'll get fat. Once again easier said than done.

Even though I've only increased my food intake by such a small amount I'm already seeing the physical effects and am feeling the stress even more. This bone isn't sticking out far enough, and that fat spot is looking soo much bigger than it did last week, etc. It's this thinking process that's making refeeding that much harder.

Because I'm in a healthy weight range any gain feels like a huge one (as I'm sure it does even for someone who's underweight)  I don't want to end up back where I started...the thought of getting to that point again scares the shit out of me! I didn't put myself through hell the past 5 years just to start over at square one (obviously Ed talking there.) Just one more thing that I'm going to have to work through. It's going to take time, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to push myself too fast and then get overwhelmed and give up. 

Update on goals...things have been so crazy and busy lately that I haven't even had time to sit down and post. So I'm tweaking my goal of posting a few times a week...instead of giving myself a set number (which I'm trying to stray away from in all areas at the mo) I'd just like to post as often as I can.

Goal number two is coming along...I'm working on a recipe to share! A chocolate cookies and cream cake w/chocolate mousse filling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am I going to be able to eat, I'm not there yet. Not ready to do challenge foods, but just baking it is a huge stress reliever for me so I'll be happy just having others enjoy it! Eventually I'll be able to have a piece with everyone else and not think about how I am totally blowing my whole day by indulging. Eventually I won't have to try and figure out how long I'm going to have to work out to make up for letting myself have a piece. Eventually I'll be able to have a piece without having any thought at all other than how DELICIOUS it is....I don't know how long it will take me to get to that point, but I'm trying.

I would love to hear from any of you who have been there and how you were able to get past this point! :)

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Pushing Myself...In a Different Direction

For those of you who have been in a similar situation as myself, I'm sure you know I've done a lot of soul searching and thinking over the last few weeks since seeking treatment. I have sooo many questions that I'm not even close to being able to answer. Why am I like this? What led me down this path? How could I let things get so bad? Why can't I just snap out of it? Will I ever get better? etc.

Although I don't have many answers I'm continuing to dig so I can try to figure this mess out and learn how to be happy with me.

As I was working out today this is what I managed to come up with...

I'm realizing that  most of my life I never really pushed myself at things. Looking back it seems like when I did I never quite lived up to my expectations, even if I had done what everyone else would have considered a good job...leading me to believe I had failed. If things weren't perfect, then they weren't good enough.

So, I began to many areas of life, but I'll use school as an example. Instead of studying for that test I'd glance over the information an hour beforehand and manage to pull off a B. Which was okay...but there was always that thought in the back of my mind "If you would have pushed yourself just a little bit harder and actually studied you could have had that A....Stop selling yourself short!"  This way of thinking began to seep into all other areas.

Yet, I couldn't ever seem to step out of that comfort area and see what I was truly capable of. The only area I've ever felt comfortable doing that was with exercise and dieting, but I obviously quit thinking rationally and took things way too far.

Instead of pushing myself to the point where I felt good and proud of what I'd accomplished I just kept pushing further, and further...just to see how much more I could take. What was my body capable of before it couldn't take anymore? When I would exceed my expectations of what I thought I was capable of I'd get a sense of success and accomplishment that I never allowed myself to feel in other areas of my life. These were the only times I felt like I had done something worthwhile.

Pushing myself wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it was the need to push myself even further the next time in order to get that same feeling of accomplishment. Somewhere along the way I got lost in the numbers and began to get numb to my body's voice and was overtaken by Ed (who seems to know no boundaries). It no longer mattered that my body was screaming for food and rest...Ed was louder and more prominent. He still is...

Now I have to fight to push myself in the other direction....instead of struggling for just 10 more minutes on the treadmill only to need 10 minutes more, or add 20 more reps which turns into 50..I'm going to struggle (which it definitely will be) to eat that piece of bread, to have another couple of almonds, to eat a square of chocolate without having to somehow restrict more or figure out how I will make up for it later.

The only way I'm going to beat this is by realizing MY boundaries, not Ed's. I've got to tune him out and tune into what my body is telling me! I have to continue to take baby steps out of my comfort zone and routines in order to take a giant leap away from Ed...therefore creating an entirely new and expanded comfort zone for myself.

Can I do this overnight? No way, but I believe that just acknowledging it and realizing these things are a step in the right direction on this journey.

Have you ever pushed something too far? What did you do to get past it?

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”

The title of today's post is a quote from the very wise Albert Einstein. If I were to change the quote to better suit me it would say:

"If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things, AND DEFINITELY NOT A NUMBER!!!

Easier said than done right? Definitely something I need to keep in mind as I continue to struggle.

My appointment with Lori went pretty well yesterday. She is so understanding and I'm very grateful to have her as part of my treatment team. I was really nervous to meet with her because she's like a family friend and I thought she would be disappointed in me, but she just emphasized that she wants me to be healthy and happy.

We went over quite a few things, primarily what damage Ed does to the body...most of which I knew, but were never enough to make me change my ways. Now I know that even had I wanted to I probably couldn't have on my own.  Fortunately we don't think there's been irreversible damage...if I start to turn things around now.

I had more labs done and will be hearing back on them today. Right now it looks like I will be meeting with each person of the team at least once a week. Lori also started me on some meds that should help with the OCD/Ed behaviors.

Yesterday was the first time I've stepped on a scale since starting treatment...PANIC does not even begin to describe the way I felt. It was a blind weigh in so I wasn't allowed to see it, but Ed has me convinced that it had to have been up at least 20lbs (even though I know that's not really possible.) and that I should be ashamed for letting anyone else see how high the number is when it's not even an acceptable number for me. It was hard, as I'm sure it will be for a while yet.

Now back to the real reason I wanted to write this post. GOALS! In order to start getting past this breakup :)  I need to consistently be setting new goals for myself. Some will be be day to day/weekly and others will be my bigger 2011 goals. If I post them here I'm hoping it will make me more accountable and push me harder to achieve them. 

Here are just a few...

1. Continue your journey to a HEALTHY life.

2. Keep up this blog...and since cooking/baking is your passion as you recover start transforming it from a ED support blog to a healthy living/food blog.

3. Learn to relax again and enjoy the simple things!

4. Break free from your normal routine and try new things/foods/workouts etc.

5. Get out on your wakeboard and kick some ass....after a year and a half hiatus. (More motivation to get rid of Ed, otherwise I won't have the energy!)

I hope to start working toward all of these and continue to add even more!   In order to accomplish these I looked to another quote by Larry Elder.

"A goal without a plan is just a wish." So, I knew I had to come up with a plan for each of the goals.

1. Continue to meet with Sarah, Lori, & Molly. Accept the support that is being offered and stay positive! You want this and WILL do it! 

2. Post at least a couple of times a week. Start sharing your meals...(once at that point) and workouts. Share recipes!

3. Put things that can wait on the back burner. Take time for yourself, even if it's just a minute or two, and enjoy family and friends...that workout does NOT HAVE to happen right now. It will still be there if a few hours, tomorrow, or even this weekend.

4. Don't plan everything down to the finest detail! Follow your heart more, not just your schedule!

5. Set your board somewhere where you'll walk by and see it will serve as a reminder of what you are trying to accomplish.

Today I had a smaller eat breakfast. I DID IT! Ed was there with me the whole time pushing his guilt and shame, but I didn't let it defer me and persisted!


Do you have any goals for 2011?...How are you going to accomplish them?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

1/11/11...That Has To Be Lucky...Right???

Good morning! :)

I'm a pretty superstitious person and of course, as I'm sure a lot of people dealing with Ed are, am obsessed with numbers. So, it goes without saying that today's date definitely caught my attention 1/1/11!!! I'm pretty positive that a number like that HAS to be a lucky one!

Any guesses what I'll be doing today 1/11/11 at 1:11pm?...That's right making a wish! haha
Now...what to wish for?

Appointment with Lori and maybe Sarah later....

If you're a superstitious goof like myself, what will you be wishing for?

Monday, January 10, 2011

Only a Minor Slip...???

Well a day that started off on a somewhat positive note has quickly transformed into a downwad spiral. Old habits aren't going to go away easily and are putting up a hell of a fight...I caved into them today, but am ready to put the gloves back on and go another round tomorrow.

I'm feeling frustrated and disappointed in myself, but know that this was just the first of many slip ups to come.

I'm meeting with Lori, my Dr., again tomorrow...not sure what the appointment will entail so I'm a bit anxious about that.

If you are reading my blog and know anyone else who would have a connection to it please spread the word...I would love to have more followers and hear from many different people about their experiences and wisdom.

Until tomorrow.....

Balls To The Wall...

Balls to the exactly what I'm trying NOT to do today! I know if I do that I'm setting myself up to fail. It's OKAY to take things slowly!

Yesterday was day 2 of refeeding and I didn't do as well as I had hoped, but right now any improvement is a good one, so I'm just going to keep on keepin' on! :)

I'm still not even close to eating what my recommended meal plan requires, but as long as I try to do a little more each day I know I'm on the right path. So, even though I didn't even eat 1/4 of what I was supposed to I ate...and that's a start!

Now I have to come up with ways to cope with feelings of guilt and weakness after I eat. Just writing about it here is going to help I'm sure. Open to any advice you  may have!

Have a good start to your week!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

The First Few Days/Refeeding

Here's just a quick summary of my first few days of treatment.

Day 1: Initial consultation with Sarah (Counselor/Nutritionist). Gave VERY brief background and began to form a trusting relationship. I know when I'm there with here I'm in a "safe" place.

Came up with a few goals I could work on until our next meeting. First goal...get rid of scale! Having a VERRRRY hard time with this one so far, but haven't seen my weight since. I have no clue where my scale is, and so far have not gone on a scavenger hunt for it. :) NO MORE FOCUSING ON STUPID #'s!!!

Sent to Lori, my Dr., for blood work to evaluate where my body was at before a treatment plan could be developed.

FAST FORWARD >>>>>>>>>

Day 4: Met with Sarah to go over blood work and begin developing the best way to go about treatment for me.

We decided it would be best to separate the therapy from nutrition so Sarah is going to focus on the therapy with me while overseeing the nutrition aspect, which will be done by Molly. Lori will be along for the ride to make sure my body is dealing with everything ok. 

Discussed Refeeding, and and it's dangers. I think refeeding is going to be the first, of many, and what I think is going to be one of the most challenging steps of the recovery process. Refeeing is the re nourishment process. It is a very important part of healing from ED and is a necessary step of recovery. I'm trying to prepare myself for the discomfort and emotional toll that this process is going to have on me during this initial phase.

Sarah gave me a meal plan to try and follow as well as  list of supplements I am to begin taking. To most people the amount of food would seem like very little, but for me it seems like an enormous amount. I'm going to do my best to try and follow it as closely as I can. Sarah said it was okay to begin with a little at a time and not to try and rush into it too fast.

*I am to keep track of meals, feelings/behaviors, as well as keep a journal throughout this entire process. This blog will help me do all of the above!

Scheduled another Dr. appointment with Lori for next week, after which I'll meet with Sarah again.  

Day 5: First day of refeeding

Fell very short of what was outlined in the meal plan, but did eat and drink a little, bit which is already an improvement. 

Today I had 1 grain serving, 1/2 fruit serving, and 1/4 protein serving. I also took all of the recommended supplements and more than doubled my normal consumption of liquids. Tomorrow I hope to add on just a little bit more.

I have so many feelings happening all at once right now, that I'm having a very difficult time putting everything into words. Although these first few posts have draaaaagggged on... I'm sure you didn't notice. haha

If I were to choose the most dominant feelings I'm having right now I would go with anxious, scared, overwhelmed, but most importantly OPTIMISTIC!!!! I AM going to beat this!

Now that I've given you just a little taste of what's happening with me I'm hoping to start posting more of what's happening with recovery on a day to day basis. Things such as bits and pieces of my food journal, feelings, workouts, recipes, pictures, coping methods, etc. As well as just more information about myself so you can better get to know me and not just this loser Ed. ;)

Saturday, January 8, 2011

A Chaotic Beginning

I know that  haven't even begun to tell my story, but I'm not quite sure where to start. So, I want to think it over and decide where to begin before putting up a chaotic post of unorganized ramblings...which I assure will happen at some point anyway! =D Until then I'd like to start with where I'm at RIGHT NOW, the rest can wait.

I've only been on this path to recovery for a little over a week, so I'm sure you all will understand when I say there is so much going on in my head right now that I'm completely overwhelmed and having trouble trying to take everything in.

Long story...verrrryyyy short....I have been putting up with ED for over 5 years now, and ED tendencies for closer to 20. After much thought and support from those around me I have decided to give him the boot once and for all! I know he'll try to make many repeat appearances, where I will be extremely tempted to take him back, but have my mind made up and am determined to free myself of him. I'm ready to be ED free...and happy!

*As you can see, I refer to my eating disorder as ED. If you didn't gather already from the title of the blog this is the story of our breakup...haha That's the way I see it anyway. I'm in a very unhealthy relationship with ED and just like any unheathy relationship a breakup is definitely needed for me to move on with life and free myself from the chains he's so tightly wrapped around me.*

Like I said, after much encouragement from a very small circle of people, who know about ED and me, I finally decided to reach out for the help I have so desperately been needing and wanting for so long. I began by just doing a little research and reading, then turned to an AMAZING person who has also lived with and successfully kicked ED to the curb. I also confided in my best friend...who is soooo wonderful and gave me the final push I needed to know that I can't do this on my own.

I sent out a few emails and finally found a counselor/nutritionist, who specializes in eating disorders, in my area. I immediately contacted her and anxiously awaited her reply. We set an appointment for this last Tuesday. I met with her then and instantly felt a connection. She totally put me at ease, I felt 100% comfortable sharing with her and did not feel the need to hold back. After, our initial consultation I knew she was the right fit and decided to continue my recovery process with her.

Because of the risk/complexity involved in treating patients with ED I will not only be working with her, but an entire team of people. Sarah (the counseor) is going to work on the therapy portion of my recovery, whole Lori my Dr. will deal with the health aspects, and Molly will work with me on the nutrition portion (under the supervision of Sarah.)

Sarah first recommended that I enter a residential treatment center, but at the present time that is absolutely not an option for me. After discussing my options we agreed on trying an outpatient process where I will work with her and the aforementioned team on a weekly basis.

I feel like I'm getting ahead of many thoughts happening all at once! I'm going to slow down and jump into another post to give you just a small glimpse of what the last five days of treatment have been like for me.

*I promise this will all eventually begin to fall into place and be more organized and easier to follow! Hope I haven't lost your attention yet!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Just Breathe

Just Breathe...that's what I keep telling myself over and over the last few days. The decision to seek help for my ED (eating disorder) and actually taking the first steps in order to do so have kind of been a whirlwind decision. I've known for awhile now that my ED was getting further and further out of hand, but didn't think it was something I couldn't overcome on my own...that is of course until I tried. Ed took it's grasp and is holding on tight.

My hope with this blog is to provide myself with an outlet and way to document the day to day happenings with my recovery. Maybe even inspire and form a support system for others who may be struggling with some of the same issues as myself.

I will fill you all in on how I got to where I am today and much more about me later, but want to get started on my first few days since embarking on this be continued. :)