Learning to eat again...simple right?
1. Open mouth
2. Insert food
Ahhh if only it were that easy! The mind games that go along with it are totally crippling right now. Sometimes just the thought of eating makes me feel anxious. When beginning treatment I knew that this would be a tremendous challenge, but I never could have imagined how hard it really would be.
I have been setting small goals for myself each day, and really have good intentions of reaching them...yet am really having a hard time breaking the habits I've relied on for so long, and ignoring the Ed voice that is constantly there reminding me that food is "bad", is proving to be nearly impossible.
Now that I am starting to eat a little more I'm falling into the SAFE food zone where I'm only comfortable eating a few things and am afraid to step out of that small group of foods. I'm trying to remember that there is no such thing as a safe or unsafe food; there is only food. It doesn't control me, I control it. Just because I'm eating again doesn't mean I'll get fat. Once again easier said than done.
Even though I've only increased my food intake by such a small amount I'm already seeing the physical effects and am feeling the stress even more. This bone isn't sticking out far enough, and that fat spot is looking soo much bigger than it did last week, etc. It's this thinking process that's making refeeding that much harder.
Because I'm in a healthy weight range any gain feels like a huge one (as I'm sure it does even for someone who's underweight) I don't want to end up back where I started...the thought of getting to that point again scares the shit out of me! I didn't put myself through hell the past 5 years just to start over at square one (obviously Ed talking there.) Just one more thing that I'm going to have to work through. It's going to take time, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to push myself too fast and then get overwhelmed and give up.
Update on goals...things have been so crazy and busy lately that I haven't even had time to sit down and post. So I'm tweaking my goal of posting a few times a week...instead of giving myself a set number (which I'm trying to stray away from in all areas at the mo) I'd just like to post as often as I can.
Goal number two is coming along...I'm working on a recipe to share! A chocolate cookies and cream cake w/chocolate mousse filling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Am I going to be able to eat any...no, I'm not there yet. Not ready to do challenge foods, but just baking it is a huge stress reliever for me so I'll be happy just having others enjoy it! Eventually I'll be able to have a piece with everyone else and not think about how I am totally blowing my whole day by indulging. Eventually I won't have to try and figure out how long I'm going to have to work out to make up for letting myself have a piece. Eventually I'll be able to have a piece without having any thought at all other than how DELICIOUS it is....I don't know how long it will take me to get to that point, but I'm trying.
I would love to hear from any of you who have been there and how you were able to get past this point! :)