The Path Unknown...

The Path Unknown...

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

You Can Never Cross The Ocean Unless You Have Courage To Lose Sight Of The Shore...

The title for today's blog is a quote by Christopher Columbus....pretty wise dude. :)

                                          He and I totally have something in common... =D

I believe the same goes for ED recovery. Lately I am totally lacking in the courage department. So I'm just looking out at the ocean and occasionally dipping my toes in before quickly pulling them back out. Who knows how long it will be before I find the audacity to try to push myself to completely take the plunge and free myself from Ed.

Honestly trying to recover is HARD!...and quite frankly sucks right now. I'm sure once I'm recovered for awhile it will have been the greatest choice I could have made. Yet, lately I can't help but wonder if this is all really worth it. Of course TERI knows it is, but unfortunately Ed is still stronger and more dominant.

I'm still working on trying to eat more, w/o much luck, and increase things are moving very slowly. I find that I'd rather have a tiny bit of something that's not good for me than the right amount of what my body needs. Sarah says this is because of my body being in starvation wants fuel and it wants it fast, so that's why I want sugar. I know she's right, it makes total sense, but Ed says I want sugar because I'm fat and weak. If I were skinny enough I wouldn't ever crave things that weren't good for me. As ridiculous as that sounds I can't totally dismiss him and the thoughts like these that are constantly running through my head.

I've also upped my workouts again which is a big no-no, but am feeling miserable about the weight that I know I've gained (Still haven't stepped on a scale since beginning recovery, but can feel and see it.) Soooo....Ed's somehow got me convinced that by increasing my gym time I'm making up for failing myself and gaining weight. While I'm more concerned about feeling like a failure for not listening to Sarah about cutting back on exercise and not even attempting to follow my meal plan Ed still wins and the workouts continue to get longer and longer again. Something we'll have to address on Friday when I see her again.

On a happier note I went away last weekend and went snowboarding!!!! Had an AWESOME time and have determined that I totally need more practice getting off the lift. Fall on my ass every time! How is it that I can make it down the mountain just fine, but the lift totally kicks my ass? haha Sarah teaches snowboarding and told me how it helped her recover from her ED and that it's a great way to get your mind off everything. She couldn't have been more right. I've snowboarded before, but never thought of it that way. I also never thought of it as being a good workout...even while I was up on the mountain I was telling myself that I should have figured out how to fit in a workout that morning. I was wrong arms and thighs are still sore and it's been 4 days!...oh yea, my bum is sore from all the falling too.

This week is National Eating Disorders Awareness week. The theme this year is "It's Time to Talk About It", which I am doing here. They are encouraging everyone to do just one thing think of how many people can be reached if we all follow their lead and do something!

Melissa from Melissa Nibbles (one of my fav blogs!!!) wrote a great post this week about NEDAW. It's definitely a must read! She describes perfectly some of the things she's dealt with, and I currently am, on a day to day basis.

Fun weekend planned here...then off to Vegas next week!

What are you all doing this weekend? Will you do one thing to honor NEDAW?..if so what?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Ed Has Been With Me For A Lot Longer Than I Thought...+ Valentine's Day.

Hi everyone! Happy Valentine's Weekend!!!! Hope you are spending it with your sweetheart...or if you're not a fan of the holiday, like me, you're using it as a guilt free excuse to stuff yourself with sweethearts, chocolate, wine, and watch sappy chick flicks!

So...did I stuff myself with Valentine's candy??? No, but it's definitely a goal of mine! =) I WILL GET THERE!!! I did watch a few chick flicks over the weekend though! Fools Rush of my very favorite movies and Revenge of the Bridesmaids...mad corny, but had me giggling here and there. If I'm lucky I may have time to fit one more in before the weekend is over, or at least catch the Kardashians! They're addictive!!!

As for an update on me I'm still just "treading water" not making any growth and some days I fall completely back into old habits, but I'm coming to realize that this is going to be a very long journey and as long as I continue to try to recover I will get there eventually.

After talking with Sarah at my appointment on Friday I realized that Ed has been part of my life for much, much longer than I was aware. She helped me realize that when I was only 8 yrs old, and my family had just moved, the voice telling me "The other kids would accept you if you weren't so fat.", or "If you eat that birthday cake you're just going to get bigger than you already are...don't do it." etc. was Ed. I remember having thoughts like these all the time...Ed was always there.

As I got older it only got worse. I remember at cheerleading camp my sophmore year of high school I didn't like the way one of our camp uniforms looked on me. So, I starved myself to fit into it just right....and even then I didn't eat breakfast or lunch throughout the entire camp and wore my shirt differently than everyone else because I didn't want them to see "How huge I was!" Even though we were physically active the entire time it wasn't enough for me to allow myself to eat. Once camp was over I'd end up binging...then feel even worse than I did when I was not eating at all.

Things were always black or white, there's never been a middle ground for me. Don't eat at all, or eat too much. Both came with extreme guilt.

In High school I'd never eat breakfast and very, very rarely would allow myself to eat lunch. Dinner was eaten only if I had time. Even then if I didn't end up eating too much I would feel terrible for allowing myself to have eaten at all. Ed was there making it known that if I wasn't so weak I would be able to have control and wouldn't have eaten at all.

I never remember feeling good about eating, but loved the feeling I'd get when I'd go a certain amount of time without eating. I'd feel like I'd accomplished something worthwhile. And so the cycle began...just getting more and more drastic as time went on. I just thought it was normal...everyone goes through this and has these thoughts right?

Ed wasn't front and center all the time, but he's definitely always been there at least whispering and influencing my relationship with food and the way I feel about my body.

I'm really working on trying to determine when Ed is talking and when Teri is talking. Sometimes...most of the time...I can't distinguish who's voice it is yet, but with Sarah's help I'm slowly learning to be more aware.

So since I'm not making any progress with my meal plan and nutrition at the mo Sarah decided that for now she's just going to really focus on the therapy portion of recovery and that once Molly (my other nutritionist) is back she'll get to work on the nutrition part. Hopefully with less pressure (by myself, not my team) to follow the meal plan the next few weeks I'll be able to get to the root of some things and take a few steps forward.

While setting goals for this week Sarah asked what I wanted to work on. My reply was "Not to drown...just to keep treading water and have the log to grab onto until I'm ready to push away a little more." So for this week that's all I intend to do...keep fighting, but not to push myself too hard or fast. That will only set me up for failure and make me feel worse than I already do.

There's so many feelings I'm experiencing all at once. Sometimes I'm still feeling completely overwhelmed and just shut down so I don't have to feel anything. I feel like I'm being pulled in two separate directions. One part of me really wants to get better and thinks that even though I'm going very slow it's still progress and that I should be proud of that. While another part of me says that I'm not moving fast enough and that if I really wanted to get better I would be making a lot more effort to follow the meal plan, exercise less, etc.

I wish I could just flip a switch and shut this all off. As great as that would be I know this journey, as hard as it may be, is going to make me a much stronger and better person in the long run.

Hope you all have a great Vday tomorrow...I will be spending my entire day/night working! Yipppeee...VERY ROMANTIC! haha

How was your weekend? What are your favorite chick flicks/Valentine candy?

I came across this and it made me laugh so I had to share!!!


*Did you know that Valentine's day is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending cards, presenting flowers, or apologizing for failing to do these things?

*Did you know that St. Valentine came up with Valentine's Day cause he was tryin' to do some chick?

*Did you know that around 3% of pet owners prefer to give Valentine gifts to their pets because that's all they have?

*Did you know Cupid's arrows are meant to symbolize the magical feeling of being pierced by love, and Cupid's diaper represents getting crapped on in relationships?

*Did you know giving your sweetheart the a "key to your heart" on Valentine's Day is a good way to tell them they're only worth about three dollars?

*Did you know you can't redeem love coupons at CVS?

*Did you know in Victorian times it was considered bad luck to sign a Valentine's Day card so people just yelled out their names?

*Did you know on February 14, 1779, Captain James Cook was murdered by natives of Hawaii during his third visit to the Pacific island group?

*Did you know that last fact wasn't very romantic at all?

*Did you know that teachers enjoy receiving the most cards of any profession on Valentine's day, whereas pit fighters, whale hunters, and necromancers receive the least?


*btw sorry my posts are so long. I always think I have nothing to say and then once I get started I just keep going and going like the energizer bunny! ;)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Treading Water...

Hey everyone! Once again I haven't posted in too long. I really haven't had anything to update on though. I'm kind of stuck in my new norm right now. Not really regressing this week like I did last (Other than increasing workouts again), but not making any progress at all. I'm annoyed...but Sarah says it's okay, that this is normal and that all the fears I'm experiencing are common. So I'm taking her word for it and am still truckin' along.

On my very first day of treatment she gave me this excerpt and I've found it to be very encouraging on the days I really seem to be having a hard time.

The Process of Recovery
Excerpt from Eating in the Light of the Moon by Anita Johnson
Imagine yourself standing in the rain on the bank of a raging river. Suddenly, the water-swollen bank gives way. You fall in and find yourself being tossed around in the rapids. Your efforts to keep afloat are futile and you are drowning. By chance, along comes a log and you grab it and hold on tight. The log keeps your head above water and saves your life. Clinging to the log you are swept downstream and eventually come to a place where the water is calm. There, in the distance, you see the riverbank and attempt to swim to shore. You are unable to do so, however, because you are still clinging to the huge long with one arm as you stroke with the other. How ironic. The very thing that saved your life is now getting in the way of your getting where you want to go. There are people on the shore who see you struggle and yell, "Let go of the log!" But you are unable to do so because you have no confidence in your ability to make it to shore......................
............And so, very slowly and carefully, you let go of the log and practice floating. When you start to sink, you grab back on. Then you let go of the log and practice treading water, and when you get tired, hold on once again. After awhile, you practice swimming around the log once, twice, ten times, twenty times, a hundred times, until you gain the strength and confidence you need to swim to shore. Only then do you completely let go of the log.

So right now I'm just treading water...not ready to completely let go yet. I knew that this all would be hard, but I never imagined that it would be this difficult. I honestly thought that if I had someone there telling me exactly what to do, and giving me permission to eat that I could do it with no problems. Boy was I wrong! It has really opened my eyes to how much I've let Ed takeover. What a huge impact he's had on my life and my mind.

The mind games are the hardest thing I'm dealing with right now. I'm trying to plan each days food...which right now is only about half of what my meal plan entails, but when it comes down to actually having a "meal" I can't do it. So I'm settling for a bite of this and a bite of that throughout my day.

Sarah's goal for me this week is to have me make time to journal more. She gave me an assignment a few weeks ago that I've really been avoiding...I'm having such a hard time differentiating between the two portions of each.

1. Ed's Values vs. My Values...I've started this one and was surprised to see how much they overlapped...which makes me question if some of them are really just Ed's.

2. Pros and Cons of Ed vs. Pros and Cons of Recovery ....this one is making me think/feel too much.

I think I've been putting off more journaling/blogging because I'm afraid of to dig too deep into what I'm feeling right now, and it's easier just to put it on the back burner and ignore. I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ANY INPUT ON THE TWO TOPICS!!!!!

This all plays into my comfort zones again, right now I have a new one...hopefully next week it will have expanded more, and even more the week after that. We shall see...only time will tell.

On a side/funny note I survived subbing 4th grade yesterday...only to about kill myself on the drive home! haha Long story short...hit some ice, hit snow bank which acted like a ramp, went flying through the air..started to tip and came back down before I could roll! Thank goodness for all the snow! I was on top of a fence (snow covered...whew!), a few feet from a creek and another few feet from a big old tree! It was scary! Sad thing is there was no damage done to my truck....until I got pulled out. :( Now I have a big dent in the door to remind me of my stunt! One positive thing about it...I normally would have gotten emotional and boobed about it, but I have so much going on right now I just thought " could be worse!"  So.....from now on you can call me Teri Kenevil! =D

Thanks for taking the time to read! Hope you're all having a great week!