The Path Unknown...

The Path Unknown...

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Treading Water...

Hey everyone! Once again I haven't posted in too long. I really haven't had anything to update on though. I'm kind of stuck in my new norm right now. Not really regressing this week like I did last (Other than increasing workouts again), but not making any progress at all. I'm annoyed...but Sarah says it's okay, that this is normal and that all the fears I'm experiencing are common. So I'm taking her word for it and am still truckin' along.

On my very first day of treatment she gave me this excerpt and I've found it to be very encouraging on the days I really seem to be having a hard time.

The Process of Recovery
Excerpt from Eating in the Light of the Moon by Anita Johnson
Imagine yourself standing in the rain on the bank of a raging river. Suddenly, the water-swollen bank gives way. You fall in and find yourself being tossed around in the rapids. Your efforts to keep afloat are futile and you are drowning. By chance, along comes a log and you grab it and hold on tight. The log keeps your head above water and saves your life. Clinging to the log you are swept downstream and eventually come to a place where the water is calm. There, in the distance, you see the riverbank and attempt to swim to shore. You are unable to do so, however, because you are still clinging to the huge long with one arm as you stroke with the other. How ironic. The very thing that saved your life is now getting in the way of your getting where you want to go. There are people on the shore who see you struggle and yell, "Let go of the log!" But you are unable to do so because you have no confidence in your ability to make it to shore......................
............And so, very slowly and carefully, you let go of the log and practice floating. When you start to sink, you grab back on. Then you let go of the log and practice treading water, and when you get tired, hold on once again. After awhile, you practice swimming around the log once, twice, ten times, twenty times, a hundred times, until you gain the strength and confidence you need to swim to shore. Only then do you completely let go of the log.

So right now I'm just treading water...not ready to completely let go yet. I knew that this all would be hard, but I never imagined that it would be this difficult. I honestly thought that if I had someone there telling me exactly what to do, and giving me permission to eat that I could do it with no problems. Boy was I wrong! It has really opened my eyes to how much I've let Ed takeover. What a huge impact he's had on my life and my mind.

The mind games are the hardest thing I'm dealing with right now. I'm trying to plan each days food...which right now is only about half of what my meal plan entails, but when it comes down to actually having a "meal" I can't do it. So I'm settling for a bite of this and a bite of that throughout my day.

Sarah's goal for me this week is to have me make time to journal more. She gave me an assignment a few weeks ago that I've really been avoiding...I'm having such a hard time differentiating between the two portions of each.

1. Ed's Values vs. My Values...I've started this one and was surprised to see how much they overlapped...which makes me question if some of them are really just Ed's.

2. Pros and Cons of Ed vs. Pros and Cons of Recovery ....this one is making me think/feel too much.

I think I've been putting off more journaling/blogging because I'm afraid of to dig too deep into what I'm feeling right now, and it's easier just to put it on the back burner and ignore. I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ANY INPUT ON THE TWO TOPICS!!!!!

This all plays into my comfort zones again, right now I have a new one...hopefully next week it will have expanded more, and even more the week after that. We shall see...only time will tell.

On a side/funny note I survived subbing 4th grade yesterday...only to about kill myself on the drive home! haha Long story short...hit some ice, hit snow bank which acted like a ramp, went flying through the air..started to tip and came back down before I could roll! Thank goodness for all the snow! I was on top of a fence (snow covered...whew!), a few feet from a creek and another few feet from a big old tree! It was scary! Sad thing is there was no damage done to my truck....until I got pulled out. :( Now I have a big dent in the door to remind me of my stunt! One positive thing about it...I normally would have gotten emotional and boobed about it, but I have so much going on right now I just thought " could be worse!"  So.....from now on you can call me Teri Kenevil! =D

Thanks for taking the time to read! Hope you're all having a great week!

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