Yeah...not so much. =(
This morning I'm hating the way I look. I'm feeling disgusted by what I saw in the mirror this morning. So...
today the mirror and I aren't friends, I will be avoiding it as much as possible until I can get over this funk. I'm still really having a hard time with all the physical effects my body is having....
Like I mentioned in my last post certain bones aren't poking out anymore and I'm hating it. I don't know why...because I've never thought bony thin people were attractive. So why would I want to look like that? Yet if my ribs are sticking out enough I know it's going to be a good day...sick & wrong, no?
I'm wondering how much weight I've already put on and petrified to try and increase my intake more because if the little bit that I have already increased is making me look like this then what will I look like once I add more? Once again Ed is obviously doing my thinking for me.
Sometimes I wonder if there really is a healthy balance. Right now I feel like it's a choice between one or the other:
GET BETTER, EAT, & BE FAT vs. RESTRICT, STAY THINNER, BE HAPPY W/SELF (ED?*)
*Sometimes I'm not sure whether it's his voice or mine...
I'm finding myself trying to come up with ways to justify not sticking to my meal plan and needing to eat more, and increasing the length of my workouts again. I'm coming up empty which tells me it's Ed that wants this..not me. Yet part of my thinks that I do because of the way I'm feeling, I don't want to feel fat anymore and even though I know that my feeling that way is so much more than a number, and didn't go away no matter how low I got, part of me still believes if I could just get a little lower then happy would be there waiting.
I'm trying to convince myself that the fullness and bloat is nothing more than just that....temporary side effects of the refeeding. It will go away. All the while I have the voice in the back of my head telling me not to "Kid myself...I know it's fat and that things are just going to get much, much worse." & "How can anyone else stand to look at me when I am disgusted and can't even stand the sight of myself."
Sarah has told me all along that this thinking process is totally normal and that the ultimate goal is to work through it and get rid of this way of thinking, but I still feel like I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to get there.
As much as I'm hating the way I look right now I'm hating my negative outlook even more, therefore I'm going to try and turn it around and find some way to be positive.
I contemplated not publishing this post because of the negativity, but want to be real and let you all see the whole picture of what I'm going through.
Any insight from you would be great!