For those of you who have been in a similar situation as myself, I'm sure you know I've done a lot of soul searching and thinking over the last few weeks since seeking treatment. I have sooo many questions that I'm not even close to being able to answer. Why am I like this? What led me down this path? How could I let things get so bad? Why can't I just snap out of it? Will I ever get better? etc.
Although I don't have many answers I'm continuing to dig so I can try to figure this mess out and learn how to be happy with me.
As I was working out today this is what I managed to come up with...
I'm realizing that most of my life I never really pushed myself at things. Looking back it seems like when I did I never quite lived up to my expectations, even if I had done what everyone else would have considered a good job...leading me to believe I had failed. If things weren't perfect, then they weren't good enough.
So, I began to settle...in many areas of life, but I'll use school as an example. Instead of studying for that test I'd glance over the information an hour beforehand and manage to pull off a B. Which was okay...but there was always that thought in the back of my mind "If you would have pushed yourself just a little bit harder and actually studied you could have had that A....Stop selling yourself short!" This way of thinking began to seep into all other areas.
Yet, I couldn't ever seem to step out of that comfort area and see what I was truly capable of. The only area I've ever felt comfortable doing that was with exercise and dieting, but I obviously quit thinking rationally and took things way too far.
Instead of pushing myself to the point where I felt good and proud of what I'd accomplished I just kept pushing further, and further...just to see how much more I could take. What was my body capable of before it couldn't take anymore? When I would exceed my expectations of what I thought I was capable of I'd get a sense of success and accomplishment that I never allowed myself to feel in other areas of my life. These were the only times I felt like I had done something worthwhile.
Pushing myself wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it was the need to push myself even further the next time in order to get that same feeling of accomplishment. Somewhere along the way I got lost in the numbers and began to get numb to my body's voice and was overtaken by Ed (who seems to know no boundaries). It no longer mattered that my body was screaming for food and rest...Ed was louder and more prominent. He still is...
Now I have to fight to push myself in the other direction....instead of struggling for just 10 more minutes on the treadmill only to need 10 minutes more, or add 20 more reps which turns into 50..I'm going to struggle (which it definitely will be) to eat that piece of bread, to have another couple of almonds, to eat a square of chocolate without having to somehow restrict more or figure out how I will make up for it later.
The only way I'm going to beat this is by realizing MY boundaries, not Ed's. I've got to tune him out and tune into what my body is telling me! I have to continue to take baby steps out of my comfort zone and routines in order to take a giant leap away from Ed...therefore creating an entirely new and expanded comfort zone for myself.
Can I do this overnight? No way, but I believe that just acknowledging it and realizing these things are a step in the right direction on this journey.
Have you ever pushed something too far? What did you do to get past it?