The Path Unknown...

The Path Unknown...

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Ed Has Been With Me For A Lot Longer Than I Thought...+ Valentine's Day.

Hi everyone! Happy Valentine's Weekend!!!! Hope you are spending it with your sweetheart...or if you're not a fan of the holiday, like me, you're using it as a guilt free excuse to stuff yourself with sweethearts, chocolate, wine, and watch sappy chick flicks!

So...did I stuff myself with Valentine's candy??? No, but it's definitely a goal of mine! =) I WILL GET THERE!!! I did watch a few chick flicks over the weekend though! Fools Rush of my very favorite movies and Revenge of the Bridesmaids...mad corny, but had me giggling here and there. If I'm lucky I may have time to fit one more in before the weekend is over, or at least catch the Kardashians! They're addictive!!!

As for an update on me I'm still just "treading water" not making any growth and some days I fall completely back into old habits, but I'm coming to realize that this is going to be a very long journey and as long as I continue to try to recover I will get there eventually.

After talking with Sarah at my appointment on Friday I realized that Ed has been part of my life for much, much longer than I was aware. She helped me realize that when I was only 8 yrs old, and my family had just moved, the voice telling me "The other kids would accept you if you weren't so fat.", or "If you eat that birthday cake you're just going to get bigger than you already are...don't do it." etc. was Ed. I remember having thoughts like these all the time...Ed was always there.

As I got older it only got worse. I remember at cheerleading camp my sophmore year of high school I didn't like the way one of our camp uniforms looked on me. So, I starved myself to fit into it just right....and even then I didn't eat breakfast or lunch throughout the entire camp and wore my shirt differently than everyone else because I didn't want them to see "How huge I was!" Even though we were physically active the entire time it wasn't enough for me to allow myself to eat. Once camp was over I'd end up binging...then feel even worse than I did when I was not eating at all.

Things were always black or white, there's never been a middle ground for me. Don't eat at all, or eat too much. Both came with extreme guilt.

In High school I'd never eat breakfast and very, very rarely would allow myself to eat lunch. Dinner was eaten only if I had time. Even then if I didn't end up eating too much I would feel terrible for allowing myself to have eaten at all. Ed was there making it known that if I wasn't so weak I would be able to have control and wouldn't have eaten at all.

I never remember feeling good about eating, but loved the feeling I'd get when I'd go a certain amount of time without eating. I'd feel like I'd accomplished something worthwhile. And so the cycle began...just getting more and more drastic as time went on. I just thought it was normal...everyone goes through this and has these thoughts right?

Ed wasn't front and center all the time, but he's definitely always been there at least whispering and influencing my relationship with food and the way I feel about my body.

I'm really working on trying to determine when Ed is talking and when Teri is talking. Sometimes...most of the time...I can't distinguish who's voice it is yet, but with Sarah's help I'm slowly learning to be more aware.

So since I'm not making any progress with my meal plan and nutrition at the mo Sarah decided that for now she's just going to really focus on the therapy portion of recovery and that once Molly (my other nutritionist) is back she'll get to work on the nutrition part. Hopefully with less pressure (by myself, not my team) to follow the meal plan the next few weeks I'll be able to get to the root of some things and take a few steps forward.

While setting goals for this week Sarah asked what I wanted to work on. My reply was "Not to drown...just to keep treading water and have the log to grab onto until I'm ready to push away a little more." So for this week that's all I intend to do...keep fighting, but not to push myself too hard or fast. That will only set me up for failure and make me feel worse than I already do.

There's so many feelings I'm experiencing all at once. Sometimes I'm still feeling completely overwhelmed and just shut down so I don't have to feel anything. I feel like I'm being pulled in two separate directions. One part of me really wants to get better and thinks that even though I'm going very slow it's still progress and that I should be proud of that. While another part of me says that I'm not moving fast enough and that if I really wanted to get better I would be making a lot more effort to follow the meal plan, exercise less, etc.

I wish I could just flip a switch and shut this all off. As great as that would be I know this journey, as hard as it may be, is going to make me a much stronger and better person in the long run.

Hope you all have a great Vday tomorrow...I will be spending my entire day/night working! Yipppeee...VERY ROMANTIC! haha

How was your weekend? What are your favorite chick flicks/Valentine candy?

I came across this and it made me laugh so I had to share!!!


*Did you know that Valentine's day is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending cards, presenting flowers, or apologizing for failing to do these things?

*Did you know that St. Valentine came up with Valentine's Day cause he was tryin' to do some chick?

*Did you know that around 3% of pet owners prefer to give Valentine gifts to their pets because that's all they have?

*Did you know Cupid's arrows are meant to symbolize the magical feeling of being pierced by love, and Cupid's diaper represents getting crapped on in relationships?

*Did you know giving your sweetheart the a "key to your heart" on Valentine's Day is a good way to tell them they're only worth about three dollars?

*Did you know you can't redeem love coupons at CVS?

*Did you know in Victorian times it was considered bad luck to sign a Valentine's Day card so people just yelled out their names?

*Did you know on February 14, 1779, Captain James Cook was murdered by natives of Hawaii during his third visit to the Pacific island group?

*Did you know that last fact wasn't very romantic at all?

*Did you know that teachers enjoy receiving the most cards of any profession on Valentine's day, whereas pit fighters, whale hunters, and necromancers receive the least?


*btw sorry my posts are so long. I always think I have nothing to say and then once I get started I just keep going and going like the energizer bunny! ;)

1 comment:

  1. Figuring out when Ed is speaking vs. when Teri is speaking is a huge deal because it's like you will have jumped onto the next rock crossing a river. It's a HUGE step! Next you jump to Teri speaking louder than Ed & finally, the shore, where Ed doesn't speak at all. I'm glad that you are able to look into your past & see that Ed has been with you longer than you thought. I know the same was true for me as well & it's kind of a weird thing to realize that he just slowly got more persistent & took over. Now you understand why recovery takes so long. It took years for you to get to this point & it will take awhile to rid yourself of the bastard too. Thanks for the Valentine's trivia. I love the "Did you know the last fact wasn't romantic at all?" Haha. Funny. XOXO.